Optimal Balance
by Lazuli
Summary: Hisoka is now back in Meifu after he unexpectedly vanished, but he doesnt remember his time as a shinigami. It's time to ask questions... Final Chapter
1. Prolouge

Title: (tenative) Optimal Balance  
  
Author: Lazuli  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing Hisoka/Tsuzuki  
  
Genre: angst/romance/?  
  
Chapter: Prolouge/?  
  
Okay, this is not my first fanfiction, but it is my first Yami no Matsuei fanfic. *rubs head* This started out as a "basic idea" and then "random part"... That random part is currently 100 handwritten pages, and I'm still editing and can see the poor thing growing as I type it up. The prolouge is very tenative, not sure how it's going to be received or how it flows, but I hope that it peaks enough of an interest...  
  
Without further wait...  
  
Optimal Balance  
  
By Lazuli  
  
I make no claim to own Yami no Matsuei, any of its characters or the story line. This particular fanfiction is my own random thoughts. There are spoilers for the end of the series, several manga references and random information. This is probably a really random story, just came up with it one day as I was writing down possible ideas for the series. I hope you enjoy it and that there is more of a plot than I initially have on paper. The prologue is extremely short, but the rest of the story makes up for it. ^^;; Enjoy!  
  
Prologue  
  
The late afternoon sunlight streamed into the windows of the small café, and Tsuzuki blinked to see that so much time had passed unnoticed. He sill had a piece of pie in front of him, uneaten. So unlike me... but things aren't exactly normal right now. He poked at the desert, sighing softly. He couldn't find any pleasure in his favorite sweet, his mind was too far away, too distracted by the most recent events in his life, by the fact that he shouldn't be eating by himself. That there should be someone sitting across from him, berating him for wasting money on another piece of pie.  
  
His partner was missing—no one could find him anywhere in Meifu, so Tsuzuki was in Chijou, taking the time to search for Hisoka when he had the chance, not caring if Tatsumi or Konoe would berate him later. He needed to find him, it was more important than anything he did before. Perhaps that's why they were letting him go off of an assignment to find him. Most of them simply assumed that Hisoka had moved on, ascended since the reason for his revenge was dead now. The reason why he became a shinigami was completed.  
  
Tsuzuki knew that Hisoka wouldn't have left without saying anything, though. To him at least, if not the rest of the office members that he spent the last three years working with. He could have simply gone straight to Enma Dai Oh, but when Konoe conferred on that, Enma insisted that he didn't pass on, the Earl said that his candle that represented his 'life' as a shinigami still lit. So he was around somewhere, but no one knew where. So Tsuzuki was trying one last avenue, one that seemed impossible and almost ludicrous, but it was their last chance.  
  
He was about to go out and search for Hisoka at some of the more common places that he may have been drawn to if he was still alive—he was leaving Hisoka's home as a last resort—when the bells over the door jangled again. Tsuzuki's head snapped up in astonishment when he felt the unmistakable aura of his partner enter the café.  
  
It's impossible... He thought in shock, as he looked at the familiar profile, still in the forever sixteen-year-old body walk in, eyes sullen as he tried to brush aside the crowd of girls that clustered around him. He was dressed in one of the local school's uniforms, looking as if he had every right to be in it, as if it were normal...as if he belonged in that crowd.  
  
What on earth happened to Hisoka? He shook his head, trying to clear away the look on his face before Hisoka noticed, felt his emotions and were hurt by them. He looked over at the crowd again, and striking green eyes met his, confused. They looked at him as if the younger boy didn't recognize Tsuzuki at all, and he wondered just what happened to his partner.  
  
Hisoka winced suddenly, as if the pressure of Tsuzuki's emotions hurt him, and he mentally berated himself for letting his shields slip around him. He had gotten used to not having shields up when Hisoka was not around, but it had become almost second nature to put them up again whenever Hisoka was in sensing range of him.  
  
Hisoka's eyes widened in shock at the sudden lack of the unknown, confusing emotions coming from the stranger, but before he could get up and question him as to how he did that, how he could have even known about his carefully guarded secret, he was besieged on all sides by the girls that dragged him to the café in the first place. He hadn't wanted to come in the first place, the emotions from all the silly girls was usually a strain on him, he didn't like being touched by them, but it was necessary in his own mind to maintain appearances. He was making a new life for himself, away from his parents and all their strict rules.  
  
He continued to watch the strange man with the unusual colored eyes, the weird aura that surrounded him—it wasn't anything he ever felt before and he wanted to investigate further. This man drew him...his empathy—presenting a puzzle to his psyche that asked to be solved. The older man threw him another speculative look before shaking his head, frowning a little as he almost came closer, but seemed to come to another conclusion in his mind as he hurriedly paid for his uneaten desert and left the shop. He wondered if he would see him again. 


	2. Chapter One

Optimal Balance

Chapter 1/?

By: Lazuli

Here is the first chapter! Wow, this is probably one of the few parts… at least so far… that is written basically cold, no notes to back it up. Most of the story is written, but this part has been debated inside my head so long for how it should go—I hope that you enjoy this part and that you're still interested in reading it. Please, constructive feedback is welcome, please feel free to point out things that you think need improving or clarifying. Random disclaimers—I don't own Yami no Matsuei, never will, but I do take full credit for this story. Enjoy!

Tsuzuki moved into Konoe's office quietly, expression subdued as he faced Konoe and Tatsumi. They were waiting for his report, but judging by the look on Tsuzuki's face, they weren't expecting too much of a change with the situation. Kurosaki had been missing for the better part of two weeks, and in that short time the older man seemed to be falling apart. His partner had been one of the few things that was holding him together, and without him—Tatsumi winced. He feared another repeat of Kyoto, and this time with no one to stop Tsuzuki from succeeding this time.

"I found him." Tatsumi blinked in surprise at the almost depressed tone that Tsuzuki's voice held. It hadn't changed from what it had been over the past month, after Hisoka initially vanished. He expected that with this change of news that the older man would have been jubilant, that his old personality would have resurfaced—at the very least that Hisoka would be _near_ Tsuzuki. There was nothing in his demeanor that expressed anything good though. He got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, the rest of the shinigami looked slightly uneasy as well. Something was very wrong.

It didn't take very long for Tsuzuki to explain the scene of Hisoka in the café, how he acted towards Tsuzuki—as if he never saw the man before. How he was still sixteen, but seemed unaware that he was anything but human. It was disturbing to realize that the young man that they had known for so long seemed so… different. That he wasn't aware of who he was now, that it seemed that he still thought he was human. Tsuzuki wasn't able to pick up much at the time—he had been too shaken to see Hisoka to really do anything about it. If it wasn't for the fact that they had been in a public place, surrounded by so many eyes, he would have snatched Hisoka up right at that moment and taken him back to Meifu.

"Would you have really done that, Tsuzuki-san?" Tatsumi eyed his friend, raising an eyebrow. "You know that you can take him back at any time now that you know where he is, yet you seem strangely unhappy by the news that he is found." 

Tsuzuki flushed. "I… it's just that he seems happy, almost. Like he belongs there—shouldn't he be able to have the chance to live a normal life?" His voice was pleading. "You know that I want him back—more than anything … he's my partner and has been for the past three years." This time his look was a little sardonic. "You all know how well _I_ keep partners."

Tatsumi shook his head. "Even if he doesn't remember who he is, Tsuzuki-san, he still cannot be allowed to live in Chijou as a mortal. His life is over and it is strictly forbidden for him to try and live a life that is gone." He cleared his throat. "You need to observe him and see just what is going on, as to who he thinks he is, if he is with some type of mortal family—what the situation actually is." His gaze was direct. "Then you must bring him back to Meifu."

"But…" Tsuzuki tried to protest, but Konoe even shook his head. 'Treat it like you would a case, Tsuzuki. You know that spirits aren't allowed to wander the mortal realm. If Kurosaki-san does not remember he is a shinigami, simply tell him and prove to him that he is no longer mortal, the same as you have countless times before with those who's candles have been snuffed out and they don't realize."

It almost hurt to be so blunt to Tsuzuki, but the man would allow his protectiveness for Hisoka, his need to give the boy what he never had over his own happiness, what was needed…He made a face. It had to be dealt with now.

"Just go, Tsuzuki—we'll keep tabs on you to make sure that nothing will go amiss. If any cases come up while you are in the area that are _light_, you can take them. Anything potentially dangerous or hazardous, request backup. Make sure that Kurosaki-san is your top priority. He's one of ours as well, and we want him back here just the same as you do."

Tsuzuki managed a weak smile as he nodded. "Then… then what will my cover be?" He asked tentatively. "I can't just set up an observation point and watch him. He may just think he's still sixteen years old and I'm going to get called a pervert and worse if he catches me spying on him, and I'll _never_ gain his trust long enough to talk to him."

Tatsumi looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Just tell him a variation of the truth. Say that you are a detective, but are currently off assignment because you are searching for your partner. That way if he tries to check for truths with his empathy, your story will match up and there should be no problem." 

Tsuzuki nodded again, looking relieved as he was given the direct orders, almost as if he needed that direction his life, permission to do what he so wanted to do, _needed_ to do to stay sane. He was hanging onto his control just barely, and finding that Hisoka was still 'alive' brought him one step closer to sanity. 

"I'll make sure that everything works out." He said softly. "I'll bring Hisoka back where he belongs."

~

            He was there again. For the third day in a row, Hisoka spotted that strange man he initially saw in the café. Every day he was out in the park, usually on a bench, writing something down in a notebook, reading some thick volume, or his gaze was focused on the nearby school that he attended, expression drawn and tight. He couldn't read his emotions any more easily than he had in the café. 

            Hisoka was getting suspicious. It wasn't as if he were seeing similar people, someone who looked like him. The violet eyes that the older man had were striking, unique. They set him apart and someone who stared at the same school for so many days made himself very obvious as well. _Is he just some type of weird pervert that likes to spy on young boys or is it something else?_  He felt a chill run down his spine as he realized that he _could_ be something else, someone that his parents hired to drag him back home. Why they would bother he didn't know—it wasn't as if they admitted to him being their son after his empathy surfaced…

            He shut out painful memories, shaking his head as if he could dislodge them permanently. He didn't need to be thinking about that now. He escaped them, he was stronger than he was before. He had to focus on the more immediate problem, he needed to confront what could turn out to be a very real threat in the guise of the innocent looking man with the strange looking eyes.

            He was up in a _tree_ this time, looking perfectly at home stretched out on a branch, a book resting in his lap and eyes closed. He didn't even seem aware of Hisoka coming up next to him, shaking his head in disgust that a person would be so publicly lazy. He wasn't going to put off confronting him any longer, and would get in a good lecture, too. The man looked like a slacker. Why else would he be in the park instead of working at a job?  He cleared his throat and poked at the man sharply.

            "Do you know that it's slightly perverted to be spying on boys that are at least ten years younger than you?" He asked sharply. "You should get a new hobby."  The man jerked up abruptly, eyes widening as he stared down at Hisoka, then he shook his head in amusement as he dropped to the ground.

            "I thought it would look like that… but I didn't really expect many people to see me." He tilted his head to the side. "I'm sorry if I bothered you." His expression was calm, tone apologetic, but Hisoka got the fainting stirrings of something else, some emotion that the man was struggling to hold in check, to hide behind mental walls. 

            "What are you doing, anyway?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you have anything better to do than hang out in parks all day?" He made his expression as disgusted as possible. "You're a grown man, you should have some type of job, not just wasting your time staring at nothing."

            "I _do_ have a job." His voice was soft. "But my chief told me that I was off assignment until we can locate my partner… or get me a new one." His expression was pained and even with the mental shields that the man somehow seemed to possess, he sensed the truth behind those words. "He disappeared about two weeks ago. I thought there was a chance I might find him around here. We used to come here on our lunch breaks sometimes…" His tone was wistful, but he seemed to shake the daze from his words rather quickly.

            "I'm sorry for babbling on like that... you're right that it must seem a little weird to have me around like this. If I introduced myself, would it make you feel any better?" He gave him a bright smile. "I promise you, I am relatively harmless. I don't go around molesting small children." Another pained look crossed his face, and then a flash of anger too bright and strong to be visibly tamped down. 

            _If he gives me his real name, I might have a chance of tracking him down. So if he does something even remotely idiotic or against the law, I'll know where to find him. Add in the factor of those eyes, and there should be very few people to search through. _ He vaguely wondered why he was so interested. But some part of him was scared of being dragged back home, of being locked up again…hated… 

            He shrugged as if he didn't really care to him, one way or another. "Fine. Tell me your name—but what did you mean, you're searching for your partner?" _Go on, tell me what you do for a living. Try and slip up so I can know whether or not to run again. _

            The smile was almost blinding, sincere emotions trailing across his senses for a brief moment before they dimmed again. "Tsuzuki Asato." He said brightly, tilting his head towards Hisoka. "And you are?" He questioned. "Or would you rather not tell me?" 

            Hisoka snorted. "Hisoka." He said abruptly. "You don't need to know anymore than that." He frowned. "And you were saying about your partner…" he prodded. "Surely you realized that something happened to your partner were it's beyond your control now. Why don't you just get a new one?"

            "It's a very specialized line of detective work that I do, that's why." Tsuzuki shrugged. "Hard to get into… new applicants are pretty rare. My partner… he was the newest. He'd been my partner for three years."

            Hisoka gave him a look. "It doesn't look as if you're old enough to have been in that line of work for very long. You and your partner must have joined at the same time or something."

            The expression in the violet eyes dimmed for a moment. "You'd be surprised, Hisoka." He murmured softly. "But he was very special to me, and I'll make sure that he comes back to where he belongs. He's too important of an agent to be let alone. People might be after him, he might already be in trouble and he wouldn't be able to tell us." He gave Hisoka a strange, sideways look at that, as if he expected a direct response from him.

            Hisoka felt uneasy and looked away. "Well, then hanging about a park, waiting for him to come around isn't going to find him any easier. You said you're some special type of detective. Shouldn't you be out looking for him instead of doing nothing at all?"

            Tsuzuki smiled and ruffled Hisoka's hair, ignoring the scowl directed at him. "Sometimes when it seems that you're doing nothing at all, you're doing a great deal." He said simply. He seemed about ready to say more when his phone rang, directing an apologetic look towards Hisoka before answering quickly. He didn't seem too concerned that Hisoka was still there, and could hear every word on Tsuzuki's end.

            "Tatsumi… I thought you were going to wait a week… well, yes." He paused and gave Hisoka a quick glance. "No, I still don't know anything—It's going to be slow going, you know how he was." He sighed, expression downcast. "At least it's a start…" He was silent for several moments, obviously listening to whoever this "Tatsumi" was on the other end. "An assignment? Where?" His gaze perked up a little. "Just a simple retrieval?" He paused again. "I think I know who you're talking about. It was all over the papers. I think she'd still be at her home. I'll go right over there. Ja."

            Tsuzuki gave him another apologetic look as he shoved the phone back into the pocket of the trench coat he wore. "I have to go, Hisoka. Maybe we can talk again, ne? If you trust me a little more, that is." He ran a hand through his hair. 

            "I thought you said that you weren't on assignment anymore." Hisoka said bluntly. "What is this about doing work?" He raised an eyebrow, clearly stating his disbelief in Tsuzuki's entire story.

            "It's very low level, simple stuff." Tsuzuki smiled faintly. "One that I won't need backup on unless it gets very messy, something I don't even mind doing. They've deemed it safe enough for me to handle." There was that odd look again, directed at him. "They worried about me too much when my partner disappeared."

            Hisoka snorted. "We'll see then about talking again. I want to make sure I can trust someone like you." He felt the need to apologize slightly for his rude behavior. This Tsuzuki really didn't do anything to deserve it, and at least somewhat of an explanation would suffice. "I don't trust much of anybody." With that, he hurried away from the older an, not saying goodbye or letting Tsuzuki go on about something else. The lack of emotions distinctly bothered him, and he knew that next time he saw him, there would be a definite interrogation of how he did _that_ as well.

            For now, he was going to see what was 'all over the papers.' He was going to see what Tsuzuki was going to investigate, to do—he would track the man as carefully as possible, determined to get answers that he really wasn't sure of the questions to. He just knew that he needed explanations, and the only way he was going to get them was by doing this. The rest would be handled directly. 

~~

            Hisoka's brow furrowed as he went through the paper. The most major event was the death of Tsukai Maasaki, who was found dead in her room two days ago. Cause of death was a violent one, but the killer had already been caught. What was there left for Tsuzuki to do? He folded up the paper and stuck it in his bag, already on the bus that would lead to Tsukai Maasaki's home. He would see what he would find there.

The house was closed off by police tape, the family staying at a relatives house until everything had been cleaned up and taken care of. _And to escape the memories of what happened there. _Hisoka thought to himself. He slipped underneath the police tape, making sure that no one saw him as he sneaked into the house. He couldn't hear Tsuzuki, but there was the faintest presence of _someone_, and he followed that upstairs, to what must have been Maasaki's bedroom. 

            He kept to the edge of the doorway, barely peering around the edges as he saw Tsuzuki there, talking to someone else. A young girl… He bit back a choked gasp as he matched up the girl with the photo of the one in the paper. It _seemed_ to be Tsukai Maasaki, but there was something wrong, something in her aura that reminded him vaguely of Tsuzuki. Nothing really bad, but something that made his empathy reassert itself; almost as if it was trying to analyze something new. He strained to hear the conversation.

            "Maasaki-chan… I know this is hard to deal with, or understand…" Tsuzuki spoke gently, one hand resting on her shoulder, eyes sad as he looked at her. "But you know the truth of the situation."

            The girl only sniffled and shook her head, braids swinging back in forth with the force of her denial. "No! I wasn't supposed to die, I want my life back. You can do that, can't you? You can see me—can't you make other people see me as well? I won't be bad—I just… I'm too young to die. I have too many plans, too many things to do--|

            _Too young to die?! Was the death a cover up or something? Is Tsuzuki going to kill her now or something…? Wait… 'I want my life back?' _ Something seriously did not make sense here, it was wrong… the indefinable sense of things being off kilter again.

            Tsuzuki shook his head. "It's what's meant to be." He said firmly. "The worst is over, you're going to a better place, Maasaki-chan. Trust me—I know what it's like and I know you'll be fine there." He stroked the top of her head softly. "Trust me." He repeated.

            She sniffed once more, but looked up at him, tears still standing in her eyes. "I… I guess so…" She whispered, lifting up one hand to brush against the tears that streaked down her cheeks. "It won't hurt?" She asked tentatively. Tsuzuki smiled and shook his head. "It won't hurt at all. Now, close your eyes…" 

            Hisoka shook his head, unable to stay silent any longer. If Tsuzuki was going to kill the girl or do something equally bad, he wasn't just going to let it happen. He ran into the room, mouth opened to confront Tsuzuki, to stop him from whatever was going on, but before he could say anything, Maasaki vanished before his eyes. 

            Tsuzuki turned around in shock to see Hisoka there. Hisoka frowned, trying to get his thoughts into reasonable working orders. "What just happened?" He asked shakily. "Who was that and what did you _do_?" His voice rose on the last word, and he winced.

            Tsuzuki sighed and sat down on the bed, running a hand over his eyes. "I didn't want you to see anything yet." He muttered. "I told Tatsumi that it was too soon, that we didn't know enough yet…"

            "_Tsuzuki…_" Hisoka ground out. "Just tell me what you did, and what the hell is going on!" He gestured to the otherwise empty room. "There was a girl just here—Maasaki. You were talking to her, she was crying, and then you told her that she needed to move on." He swallowed harshly. Even his words were started to sound a little strange. "You did something to her and she was suddenly not there anymore. Tell me the truth." 

            Tsuzuki nodded, eyes tired as he looked back up at Hisoka. "She was a ghost." He said simply. "It was my job to make sure that she went onto the afterlife, instead of staying in the world of the living." He looked off for a moment. "She died quite young, and so of course she clung to her life. It was just a simple thing to convince her and make she passed on."

            "Your job?" Hisoka asked skeptically. "Ghosts? Afterlife?" He shook his head. "You're not making a whole lot of sense, Tsuzuki."

            The older man raised an eyebrow, looking faintly amused as he leaned back on the bed, raising an eyebrow at Hisoka. "Did what you see make a great deal of sense, Hisoka?" He asked wryly. "Your own eyes saw the truth, but can your brain accept it and what I'm saying?" 

            "What are you?" He asked finally. There still had to be a logical reason for all of this, something that would explain as to why there were ghosts and people that obviously talked to them. "And what do you do?"

            "I'm a… well, I'm a shinigami." He said quickly. "I usually investigate unexplained deaths, ones that are in a series and try to make a connection and prevent others from happening that aren't supposed to happen. Sometimes, rarely—I'll be asked to simple assignment like you saw. A spirit that either doesn't realize they are dead, or clings to tightly to life that they refuse to go to Meifu and their judgement."

            Hisoka was starting to feel slightly ill. "And…?" He questioned. There was something hanging here, something he didn't know, something that was left unsaid. 

            "And that's where I have to take you, Hisoka. To Meifu where you belong."


	3. Chapter Two

Well, I'm back with another chapter. I hope these chapters aren't too short for all of you, and that you enjoy them—I enjoy writing them, especially when I get weird little bursts of inspiration at work. Again, I do not own Yami no Matsuei, I am not making any money off of this story, but I do enjoy constructive feedback. I want to thank everyone that has reviewed thus far. Please enjoy!

Optimal Balance

Chapter 2/?

PG-13

Hisoka did the first thing his startled brain managed to send to him. He bolted. He didn't look back to see if Tsuzuki was following him, to see if anyone else was watching the house. He just ran, needing to get away as soon as possible. What he saw was impossible, what Tsuzuki was implicating was even more so. _Back to Meifu? Where is Meifu? _He paused in the doorway of some nameless restaurant, catching his breath. It seemed more like a threat than anything else after that 'conversation' he witnessed between Tsuzuki and 'Maasaki.' Almost like Tsuzuki was telling him that he was going to die.

_No, he said _back _to Meifu, as if I was already dead. _He shook his head at the ludicrous thought. All he knew was that this Tsuzuki was not all that he seemed, that things were not matching up. He was seeing things that were impossible. Dead was dead. You didn't need some weird person with strange colored eyes making sure that people died, or to tell people that they were already dead. The dead didn't investigate mysteries. That was for late night television shows, ones with weird names and even stranger story lines. 

But some part of him insisted that something was true, that not all of what Tsuzuki said was a lie. There _was_ something definitely strange about Tsuzuki. The entire way his emotions were, the way his aura was—his empathy could have very well being shouting at him _not normal! _ But what did that mean to him? He certainly wasn't going to go back to the man and ask him just what was going on. He wasn't sure what was going to happen and positive that he wasn't going to like anything that the older man would say.

He hurried back to his apartment, his one small haven that he won for himself, needing to be alone to think things through, to try and make sense of everything that was going on. He needed to examine his memories, his emotions and sort everything out so it wasn't just a jumbled mess inside of his head. 

"Hisoka…" He jerked his head up sharply at the soft voice, wondering just how the hell Tsuzuki got ahead of him, got near his apartment, knew where he _lived. _Violet eyes were dark as they looked down at Hisoka. "I know I didn't phrase it in the best of ways…." His voice trailed off uncertain. "And you have no reason to really believe me…"

"You're _right_ that I have no reason to believe you!" Hisoka exclaimed, backing away slightly and trying to not let his unease show in his voice. "You do weird magic tricks and tell me that I'm supposed to be _dead, _and you expect me to believe you?" He demanded. "I do happen to have a life here. I go to school, I pay rent on my apartment, people call me and greet me—" He gestured widely. "If I was dead, wouldn't I be invisible to people? Like that Maasaki girl? Nobody would be able to see me."

Tsuzuki winced and Hisoka gave him a triumphant look at being able to outthink the older man. He wondered vaguely what type of excuse that he would come up with, or if he would just give it all up and tell Hisoka the real reason that he was here.

"There are different types of dead." Tsuzuki said hesitantly. "There are ghosts like Maasaki. She simply clung on to life, but didn't really have the power or enough reason to really hold her back. Sometimes those with violent deaths can make themselves known to the living. You, though—" Tsuzuki gave him a thoughtful look. "You're… special." He said finally. "That's why people can see you."

"Special." Hisoka scoffed, backing away even more and getting ready to run again, one hand on the doorknob of his apartment, fumbling for a key. He wasn't going to stand out in the hallway and discuss more of this strangeness with Tsuzuki. He was going to escape and lock the door as soon as possible.

"Oh, I see. I'm _special_, so the regular rules of being dead don't apply to me. The fact that I get hungry and bleed and feel things, not to mention that people can treat me like a living, breathing human being is because I'm a special type of dead so it doesn't really matter." He rolled his eyes. "Nice try."

Tsuzuki looked hurt, the hurt visible on his features if not in his emotions. "I knew you wouldn't believe me. I told Tatsumi that you wouldn't…." He made a face, hands spreading in apology. "And if I could have it any other way, I would, Hisoka. I _want _you to have this happy, normal life."

"Then why don't you _leave me alone?_" Hisoka bit out. "Go back to your boss or something and just tell him that you couldn't find me, or I wouldn't go back or whatever. I'm happy here and I don't need some low class private detective taking me back to a life that I never wanted." He turned away and started walking away, shaking his head in disgust. 

"What if I can prove it to you?" Tsuzuki asked softly, when Hisoka was almost out of hearing. "If I can give you solid evidence that you belong in Meifu, not in Chijou?" He clarified. "The world of the death, rather than that of the living."

"Going to show me another hologram? Some type of projector trick that makes me believe I'm seeing ghosts again?" Hisoka asked scornfully, but some part of his brain needed that proof, to at least settle the doubt that plagued him ever since he saw that scene in the bedroom. No matter how much his mind wanted to insist on logical reasoning, he was the type of person that needed more evidence, something tangible that would be able to ease his mind and settle any questions.

"Can you get inside your family's graveyard?" Tsuzuki asked, raising an eyebrow. "The proof is in there, and if you cared to, you can look up obituary dates from three years ago. _I _wouldn't change things in a graveyard, and microfilm from a library is hard to counterfeit, hmm?" He tilted his head to the side. 

Hisoka snorted. "I still think you're a crazy pervert or something." He muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and narrowing his eyes at Tsuzuki. "What makes you think that I'll go back to where my family is? I spent too long trying to get rid of them. I'm happier being away there. I'm not about to fall for some trick of yours."

Tsuzuki shook his head wildly in negation. "I wouldn't do that to you, Hisoka!" He protested. "Trust me for at least this, get some questions answered and if you don't come up with the same ones I've presented to you, then I'll leave you alone." His look was suddenly very serious, face drawn. "I'll leave you to your life."

Hisoka gave him a long, thoughtful look. "You'll really leave me alone?" He asked skeptically. "Even with all your rules about how 'the dead can't be here'?" 

Tsuzuki nodded, smile wry. "The worst they can do is keep me working for the rest of eternity." He said dryly. "It's not much different from what I've been doing for the past seventy years."

Hisoka finally consented. "Fine. I'll investigate my _own_ way, and see what turns up. Once I find out the information, though—how will I find you to tell you?" 

Tsuzuki shrugged. "I'll find you easily enough, Hisoka. If not…" He pulled out a slip of paper and a pen, writing something down rather quickly. "This is the cell number that you can reach me at." He laughed at Hisoka's look. 

"Cell phone?" He asked, one eyebrow raising in disbelief. "The dead need _cell phones?_" 

Tsuzuki grinned. "You're in for a big surprise when…" He paused and the cheerful look slipped from his face for a moment. "If you come back to Meifu." He adjusted his coat and slipped the remaining paper and the pen into some hidden pocket within his trench coat. "I just hope…" He shook his head. "Never mind. I'll see you soon." 

He turned and only seemed to take a few steps before he vanished down the hallway. Hisoka couldn't see him after those first few moments, and he stared down at the paper in his hands. Things weren't making a great deal of sense, but at least he would have some answers soon. The first thing he was going to do though was look up information on Tsuzuki Asato. The rest could wait.

~

"What were you _thinking_, promising him something like that?" Tatsumi demanded. "Kurosaki-san belongs in Meifu, returning to his status as a shinigami. It's his job, and what he decided to do after he died. He won't be released from that until he formally requests it, and living that pseudo life as a _mortal_ is not permitted!"

Tsuzuki slumped down in a chair, covering his face with one hand, looking very tired all of a sudden. "Because I know what Hisoka will find, and what his mind will try to ration out. I know that he's going to come up with a lot more questions than answers, and he'll call _me_ for those answers. He'll want to see Meifu for himself and prove that I'm not some child-murdering psycho like _some _people that he's known in the past." 

Tatsumi raised an eyebrow. "You seem to know Kurosaki-san very well." He murmured. "And if your partner simply chooses not to play to form? He seems almost like a different person. He doesn't have the same memories of his death jading him, he's a little more stable since he 'escaped' his family, and he doesn't have _you_ as his idiot of a partner anymore. "

"I know him." Tsuzuki said stubbornly. "And he'll be back in Meifu, and everything will be fine again. He'll remember being a shinigami as soon as he gets here, he'll be my partner again and things will be… back to normal." His voice was insistent, more as if he was trying to convince himself that this was going to work out. 

"I hope so, Tsuzuki. Because if Kurosaki-san doesn't come to Meifu willingly, we'll have to send another one of our more… exacting agents to drag him back to Meifu and it wouldn't be pleasant for _anyone._" His eyes gleamed slightly as he looked at Tsuzuki. 

Tsuzuki winced and edged away from Tatsumi a little. "It will be okay." He murmured. "It has to be."

~

Hisoka rubbed his eyes tiredly as he went through the newspapers. He was looking at all of them from three years ago, and he was almost at the end of his patience with the tiny microfilm pages. He had already spent a few hours in trying to locate Tsuzuki Asato, but came up blank in a number of places. The only Tsuzuki families were not even in the area, no one mentioned the outstanding features of violet eyes. There was no mention of him in any detective agency that he could find, or in the police force. The man simply didn't exist.

He _did_ however manage to find something at last that dealt with him. It was there, in the tiny black and white words on the screen, and he rubbed at his eyes again, willing them to clear, for the words to change and make sense. They didn't, though and he stared at the screen for several long moments, trying to process what was there. 

Kurosaki Hisoka, died in 1997, sixteen years. Cause of death was terminal illness. He skipped back a little more and found small references to it. Anything that related to the Kurosaki family would be in the papers, even the mention of a son that _they_ had never wanted, had always locked away and kept hidden until…

His mind went blank for a moment. He couldn't remember when that really changed, except one day he was gone, escaped from his cold house and his parents harsh words and emotions. The constant loneliness of the makeshift cell, his parents voices echoing…

He shivered slightly. He didn't want to remember that. It was over now, he wasn't ever going to go back there. But…if this paper was right, if _Tsuzuki_ was right, then he wasn't ever going to go back there. Only his ashes were there, from when they cremated his body. He felt another cold chill. He couldn't have died. It was all a mistake. He was _alive. _Librarians didn't rent out microfilm machines to _ghosts, _he had to be real for the old lady to smile and him and set up the reels of microfilm for him. 

He glanced through the various mentions of 'his' story, of the poor child of the esteemed Kurosaki clan, who fell ill at the age of thirteen. How he didn't seem to recover, the parents distraught… He made a face at that obvious lie. His parents would have never been disappointed over him being ill, about to die. _They would have been rid of their monster child at last. _

He read through everything he could find on it, read through the obituary again, the notes pertaining to the funeral arrangements, feeling like he was reading about someone else. Being dead was an impossible thought—but—he swallowed convulsively. Maybe he could call Tsuzuki and get some answers…

He decided to take matters one step further, searching for 'mysterious' or unusual events over the last three years. If Tsuzuki was telling the truth about investigating strange deaths or occurrences, there would be _something_ in the paper. 

He scrolled through the years, starting back three years ago, when he would have 'died.' There wasn't any mention of violet-eyed detectives in the various stories that he came across, but he wondered vaguely if he could investigate some of the people that were still around about what had happened. There was one person that was still around, and wasn't too far away. The only problem would be getting to see him—he had gained a lot of stature since he was sixteen. 

Minase Hijiri.

~

Hisoka stood in front of the apartment building, biting his lip. _Am I being completely idiotic, bothering a well-known violinist about some random event that occurred three years ago? He doesn't even know me, he's going to think I'm a complete moron. _ Taking a deep breath, he rang the buzzer to Hijiri's apartment. _Following up on some random thing that Tsuzuki said…_He sighed softly, and nearly jumped when a voice came out through the speaker, soft and slightly hesitant.

"Yes? Who is it?" There was a pause. "I'm not accepting any reporters right now, so if you want an interview, you'll have to make an appointment."

Hisoka cleared his throat. "Actually, no—" He replied. "I'm not a reporter, my name is Kurosaki Hisoka…" He got that far before he was interrupted again, the voice abruptly changing, turning more welcoming.

"Hisoka?! Is it really you? Come on up, I'll let you on through." He heard the buzzer sound and he stepped through the door hesitantly, eyes moving around the opulent surroundings, moving carefully to Hijiri's apartment. The violinist acted as if he _knew_ him. _He is probably mistaking me for someone else. _ He reassured himself. 

Hijiri met him at the front, green eyes vibrant in a still youthful looking face. Hisoka blinked in surprise at the superficial resemblance to himself. It was as if had aged a few years, adding subtle changes to his features. If his hair was black, it would have been an almost exact copy. 

"Hisoka, it is you! I haven't seen you in years, I thought you said that it wasn't permitted or something, after I left…" His voice trailed off uncertainly as he moved aside to let Hisoka in. "I thought there was some type of rule or something." His smile brightened. "But I'm glad to see you again, I really never got the chance to thank you for everything… I mean if it wasn't for you guys, I never would have made it this far.."

Hisoka swallowed, eyes flicking back and forth as he tried to shield against the older boys honest, vibrant emotions. They were almost painfully strong and he shook his head. "Minase-san…please… can you explain what you're talking about? I don't… I don't really remember you…" His brow furrowed.

Hijiri looked shocked. "You don't? How can that be? It's only been three years and while I know you haven't changed at all… I thought you would remember me. I mean, _I _still remember all of you, and everything that happened."

"I really don't, Minase-san… what happened three years ago that I was involved in?" He had a feeling he was going to get more answers to his questions, but he didn't think that he was going to be completely happy with what answers that he did receive. 

"I…" Hijiri faltered. "Why don't you sit down and I'll get us something to drink and eat while I explain things to you, then?" Hisoka nodded as he gingerly sat down on the couch, watching Hijiri warily. The older boy seemed to be giving him the same type of uncertain looks, as if he was presented with something completely different from what he expected, and he needed the time to adjust his frame of mind to this new idea.

After a few moments, Hijiri came back, tray in hand. He sat down next to Hisoka, tilting his head to the side. "You're sure that you really don't remember how you and Tsuzuki saved me from that demon?" He asked carefully. "You worked so hard to save me and Tsuzuki…" He broke off, troubled. "I mean, all that you went through—it was incredible."

Hisoka's eyebrows rose at that. "_Tsuzuki?" _He questioned. "We're talking about a tall, violet-eyed guy here with a weird affinity for trench coats?" He frowned deeply when Hijiri gave a hesitant nod to that. There was a lot that the man hadn't explained to him, and he didn't like it. _Not that you would have believed him, _a part of his mind taunted. _You didn't believe him about being dead, why should you believe that you were something else as well?_

"Yes, Tsuzuki… after he sacrificed himself to save me from the demon, then he got hurt and you made up that plan to get him back to normal…" His voice trailed off, eyes dimming in uncertainty. "You really _don't_ remember…" He said wonderingly. 

"No… I don't." Hisoka said firmly, getting irritated that he had to repeat himself over the matter. "I don't remember you, or Tsuzuki or anyone else that I apparently came across in the last three years." 

"Ouch… poor Tsuzuki…" Hijiri murmured, half to himself. He didn't notice Hisoka's irritation grow. He could feel Hijiri's sympathy over the situation, his confusion and every other emotion that he wasn't aware could be bottled up inside someone.

"Why poor Tsuzuki?" He snapped. "I don't see what he has to do with anything." Everything was apparently linking back to Tsuzuki. All his questions, his reasons for questioning his very existence at the moment pointed back to the man. 

Hijiri blinked and opened his mouth to answer, when the phone rang. He winced. "Let me get that real quick, Hisoka… and then I guess I can explain a few more things to you…" His confusion was evident as he hurried out of the room to take the call, almost as if he couldn't wait to get away. 

Hisoka debated on leaving at that point, leaving questions unanswered, but at least he wouldn't be as frustrated over everything. To have a complete stranger claim to know him three years ago, to have met him with Tsuzuki, when _he_ was sure that he never met the older man before a week ago. But if he left now, he would forever be wondering just what else was going on that he didn't understand.

A few minutes passed by until Hijiri came back into the room, face puzzled. "That was Tsuzuki." He said slowly. "And he said that I shouldn't tell you too much, but if you're ready to accept things, you should go back to Meifu." Now Hijiri looked even more confused, but apparently was told enough by Tsuzuki that he didn't voice his questions. 

_He looks more informed that I am, at any rate. _Hisoka muttered crossly to himself. "I don't accept everything yet." He said stiffly. "There's one last thing that I want to do before I give in to this craziness."

Hijiri shrugged and looked apologetic. "If there was anything that I could do for you, Hisoka, I would." His voice and emotions were sincere, Hisoka had to fight to keep from cringing from the powerful emanations of it. "All I can say is that things should make sense soon. Trust in Tsuzuki…he's never let you down before, from what I've seen."

Hisoka made a face. "That is ever so helpful." He said dryly. "But I'll take it into account. It doesn't hurt to have someone to trust if they haven't really given you a reason to mistrust them."

Hijiri nodded eagerly. "Exactly. And Tsuzuki said that he'll find you when you're ready, so you don't have to worry about calling him." 

"I understand." He gave an absent nod, one hand on the doorknob. "Minase-san… you really did know me three years ago, didn't you?" He probed carefully with his empathy to make sure that he was getting the truth of the matter, that everything wasn't some elaborate set up or joke. 

"I did, Hisoka." Hijiri's gaze was calm. "And I'm sure that you'll remember that, too. Good luck." He was completely sincere, Hisoka could find no lie in the words. Feeling slightly ill, he knew of one last place that he had to go.

~

The last place he decided to visit was his supposed grave. It was the last piece of evidence that his brain needed. After the talk that he had with Hijiri, there wasn't much left to convince, but he needed this, if only to settle the last bits of doubt plaguing his mind.

It wasn't until he saw his name on the marker in front of him that he realized he was shaking so hard that he thought he was going to fall apart from the sheer force of it. He felt cold all over, feeling the weight of the truth settle on him. His mouth dry, he wanted to scream to deny it. _I can't be dead! _

"It's hard." Someone murmured, and he realized a coat was being settled around his shoulders, realizing just barely that the wind was picking up enough to be chilly. He looked up at the solemn figure of Tsuzuki, biting his lip. "This isn't all made up, is it?" He asked. "You're not just some weirdo that wants to mess with my head or hurt me or take me back to my family. You were telling the truth."

Tsuzuki nodded, the inescapable sadness in his eyes, his very posture. "I wish I wasn't Hisoka." He rested a hand on his shoulder. "Shall we go to Meifu?" He murmured softly. "You should feel right at home there." He added. "It isn't anything like you've ever seen here, but I know that … I know that you'll like it." 

Hisoka nodded wearily. He was still too much in shock over his recent findings to really protest. "At least we'll see if you can prove that." He got a touch of his old asperity back. "I mean….you know—faked newspapers and gravestones are easy. But a whole world of the dead?"

Tsuzuki laughed and ruffled his hair. "You wouldn't be Hisoka if you couldn't examine the truth at every angle." He said with amusement. "Meifu is like a mirror image of Chijou. Buildings and landmarks are basically the same… with a few noticeable differences. It isn't so alien that you'll feel alone there, but it's unlike enough where you'll realize that you're no longer in the land of the living." 

"Then let's go before I change my mind." He said sharply, drawing the coat more tightly around him and looking around the graveyard one last time. He wasn't ever going to come here again. _It will be my last time seeing life…_He thought vaguely, almost wishing that his last view of what he had known for so long was a happier one, but there wasn't much to do about it now. At least he was going to a 'better place.' He kept that in mind as the world faded around them.


	4. Chapter Three

Optimal Balance

Chapter 3/?

By: Lazuli

Again, another chapter! Wow, and now we're finally at the part that I have written down. At least half of this chapter. J Lots of edits were made as it got typed up. Again, Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me, but I do take full credit for this story. Thanks to all that reviewed on this, both on the yamifics list, and on ff.net. Just a note, there are some spoilers for the manga, mainly the latest translations from Hana to Yume. Nothing big, just little remarks that are made. 

The world seemed to shimmer for a few moments before everything steadied. Hisoka opened his eyes slowly at first, unsure of what he was going to see—if he was going to see anything different from the graveyard or something mundane. He made a startled sound and opened his eyes more quickly when he saw the orchard of sakura trees. There was no other way to describe it—the trees were everywhere…_and completely out of season. Sakura trees do not bloom in the middle of winter._

Tsuzuki was watching him carefully, his emotions fluctuating slightly. "You…do you like the sakura trees?" He asked hesitantly. "I know there's quite a lot of them…" His lips turned up briefly at that. It was a veritable sea of them. 

"I thought you said this was the world of the dead." Hisoka said shakily. "So why do you have living plants in the afterlife? Isn't that kind of… strange?" 

Tsuzuki's brows lifted in surprise as he turned to give Hisoka a more careful look. "I thought you more than anyone would remember what sakura trees signify. Even _I _knew what they meant, and I was an uneducated rustic when I was alive."

"If you're as old as you say you are…" Hisoka bit out, nettled at the slight to his intelligence. "Then you grew up in a more superstitious time. People _always_ thought there was a double meaning to everything, seeing demons everywhere and scared of the sky itself."

Tsuzuki snorted, looking amused. "I'm not _that_ old!" He protested, but there was a hint of pain underlying the words. "I grew up in the Meiji era. But it's quite simple really… in some respects, the sakura represent death." He tilted his head to the side. "So, quite appropriate for them to be in Meifu." There was another, longer pause. "And…and you're buried underneath a sakura tree." His voice was almost too quiet to hear. 

Hisoka stared at him in shock, brows drawing in. "Then what was that in the graveyard?" He demanded. "Or was that a trick?" He shook his head. "Not that I doubt that I'm dead _now,_ but if that wasn't my grave…"

Tsuzuki looked away for a moment, sighing. "That's your grave marker—but your father buried you underneath the sakura tree near your house. It was where… well, it seemed appropriate to him, I guess."

"He never would have cared for anything like that." Hisoka said bitterly. "I was their monster child, nothing more than that." He crossed his arms over his chest, but he shivered slightly at how casually Tsuzuki spoke of the place that he was buried. He supposed that the man would be slightly desensitized by now, but he wasn't able to think of it so simply yet. 

"It's difficult to explain." Tsuzuki said slowly. "But there's a lot that you don't know or remember of what happened or what goes on now. But your father did love you, Hisoka. He still visits your grave, you know." 

Hisoka took in that piece of information with shock, trying to find the lie behind the words, but there was nothing but absolute sincerity with Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki offered him a smile and then rested his hand on his shoulder gently.

"Hisoka—I need to take you inside to see Tatsumi and Konoe now." Tsuzuki interrupted his train of thought, tone apologetic. "Then they'll decide if you have to see Enma-sama or not." He winced slightly. 

"I thought the newly dead went straight…" He stopped. "Oh… I'm _not_ newly dead, am I?" He asked, half to himself. "I guess I have no choice." He shrugged off the coat, not needing it now in the warmer weather of this 'Meifu', and handing it back to Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki winced again. "It will all make sense… we're going to figure out what to do…" He set off quickly towards the large building in the distance, looking suspiciously like the Diet Building in Tokyo. He blinked for a few moments, wondering if it was all an elaborate trick again, then turned back to the grove of sakura trees. _Some things are pretty hard to counterfeit._

~

They were barely down the hallway when another person skidded out of a side room, nearly crashing into them. "Tsuzuki! You're back!" He paused and Hisoka got a close up look of amber eyes gleaming behind a pair of large, wire-framed glasses. "And you brought Bon, too." His relief was visible. "We were so worried …" He arched an eyebrow. "Not that he wasn't going to come back, but that you were going to wallow in your misery and let him stay down in Chijou."

Hisoka backed away, feeling uncomfortable at the press of emotions. It was strange, he hardly felt Tsuzuki's at all, but with everyone else, and there was this pressing, vaguely uncomfortable feeling. "Do I know you?" He asked finally, eyeing the man. 

Tsuzuki bit hip lip at the other man's incredulous look. "He doesn't remember, Watari." He said urgently. "_Anything._" He gave the man a direct stare, as if trying to impress the importance of those words.

Watari's brows shot up, and Hisoka got the same wash of sympathy at that as he did with Hijiri. "Oh, this isn't going to be good—" He said slowly, chewing on a strand of hair as he examined Hisoka closer. "Tatsumi's going to be muttering inane things about vacation pay and we're going to have to find _you…" _Tsuzuki clapped a hand over his mouth, muffling the rest of the statement.

"Hisoka—I'd like for you to meet Watari—" He removed his hand from the other man's mouth and gestured to him. "He's our resident scientist and doctor—" His lips turned up briefly. "Although I wouldn't allow myself to accept anything to eat or drink from him. It can have adverse effects."

"The dead need doctors?" He questioned in disbelief. Nothing about this Meifu was making sense, nothing Tsuzuki said or did—_doctors? Why would someone already dead need a doctor?_

"The doctors aren't just for the dead, Bon." Watari gave him a smile that was as open as Tsuzuki's had been. "I'm the unofficial doctor for the shinigami—we live kind of a dangerous life and it's best to have some type of qualified person here to patch up the worst of the mistakes that we don't heal ourselves."

Tsuzuki snorted. "And you are _so_ qualified." He said dryly. "Tell me again what you were qualified to be before you died?" He asked. Hisoka sensed an underlying good humor in it all, old jokes and banter that was developed over years. 

"That's because I wasn't allowed to go to my true calling!" Watari's eyes gleamed. "I was always destined to find out the secrets of science, develop potions that no man has ever been able to come up with before—" 

"Yes, yes…" Tsuzuki laughed. "At any rate…" He turned to Hisoka. "I would like Watari to look you over and make sure that you're in full working order." He winked. 

Hisoka blushed and turned his nose up slightly. "I'm _dead._" He pointed out. "As you are, obviously and everyone else that is here. There shouldn't be anything wrong with me like that, and I don't want to be examined by someone that doesn't have a medical license and is liable to blow me up in the next few minutes."

Watari looked even more offended, putting on hand on his heart. "Now, Bon—you know I haven't blown up anything in the lab in a long time, the last one was just an _accident._ Tsuzuki and Terazuma inflict more damage on this building than I do."

Hisoka's brows drew in. "No, I don't know how many times or when was the last time you blew something up. I don't know you or Tsuzuki or anyone else that he's mentioned." His look was stubborn. "I just want to get on with my afterlife or whatever this is."

Tsuzuki bit his lip. "Watari is good for a doctor, Hisoka." He said carefully. "He's very good at research and I'm sure there is something he can do to see what made you forget. You have been here for three years, and you don't remember anything. I want to see if there's anything Watari can do to fix that."

"Fine." Hisoka sighed, rolling his eyes. "If it will get you to leave me alone about all of this for long enough for me to get used to being dead, then do it." 

Watari looked faintly uneasy, but gestured towards his lab on the right. "Then right in here, Bon. It won't take very long, I promise—and then Tsuzuki will take you to your house and get you settled in again. We'll keep everyone else off your back for at least the rest of today, but this _does_ take precedence."

"House?" He blinked. He let himself be momentarily distracted by that thought, Watari leading him to a beat up looking chair in a small office. "I have a house here?" He didn't want to say that it wasn't normal, that things didn't make sense. That line of thought was getting redundant, his mind trailing along the same disbelief as before. Apparently being dead was much different from what he was led to believe. Not that there was much authority on the afterlife…

Tsuzuki leaned against a wall of the office, expertly avoiding the penguin waddling across the floor, one hand absently petting the small owl that was on the table next to him. "All the comforts of home." He chirped. "With a few fringe benefits." He sounded entirely too cheerful, his outward moods an odd contrast to the man he felt before. Hisoka probed cautiously for the real emotions, but whatever was there was well hidden. 

"I see." Hisoka shook his head and looked out the tiny window at the view of the sakura trees outside. Watari was fiddling with an ancient computer, typing in some type of code rapidly. His brow was furrowed as he put in the information, turning to give Hisoka some puzzled looks before turning back to the computer. 

"Bon—can you tell me everything you remember of the past few years?" Watari questioned, not looking up from his computer. "I want to add in the data and see if there are any clues that I can find as to what happened. And Tsuzuki—you said the last thing that happened was that you finally managed to haul that sorry spirit of Muraki's up to Enma-sama where it belonged?" 

Tsuzuki nodded, serious again. "Aa…we finally managed to kill him—and after that…" Tsuzuki sighed. "Well, you know what happened after that." 

Hisoka didn't, but obviously Watari did, as the other man nodded in response to that. "I know…" He looked at Hisoka again and sighed. 

"I wish there was something I could do for that, Tsuzuki, but I'll spend my time trying to cross examine Bon and see what he comes up with." He gave him a reassuring smile. "Now, shoo—go talk to Tatsumi and the Chief. I'll take care of matters here." 

Tsuzuki obviously was reluctant to leave Hisoka alone, which puzzled him. Tsuzuki did his job; he picked up Hisoka and delivered him to Meifu. He didn't have any responsibility to him beyond that. 

Just as the man was about to exit completely, a thought occurred to him. "Tsuzuki—did you ever find your partner?" He asked. 

Tsuzuki froze, emotions running too quick for him to catch, and shielded immediately after so he didn't have a chance to examine them. Watari was still as well, eyes looking away as he busied himself with something else in the lab. "I did." He said softly. 

"And?" Hisoka pressed. He frowned slightly. It wasn't like him to be intrusive like this, but after the man had intruded into _his _private life, he felt that he deserved to return the favor slightly. 

"And…" Tsuzuki shrugged. "It doesn't matter." His voice was carefully controlled. "I'll come by after my meeting with Tatsumi and Konoe." He turned to smile the emotions that accompanying it ringing false. "Trust Watari, he knows what he's doing." Then he was gone, leaving Hisoka to try and figure out what was going on, his mind working around what he picked up while Watari fiddled with him.

Watari was already taking a sample of blood, a feat that Hisoka never would have thought possible for a dead person, but apparently things worked differently if you resided in Meifu. He chatted amiably, eyes sparkling behind the glasses.

"I bet that Tsuzuki surprised you, Bon—showing up the way he did, with no real explanation of what was going on." He shook his head. "Of course, I don't think he really expected you to follow him, either—" Watari put the sample in a small tube, and already the small puncture was healing. "But who really knows Tsuzuki? He may have planned it that way all along so that you would be able to come and accept more easily."

Hisoka rolled his eyes. "I thought he was some type of pervert, the way he was watching the school like that." He muttered. "He was just _there_, day after day and not saying anything. When I confronted him, he said that he was looking for his partner." He sighed and looked away. "That was just a lie, wasn't it? He wasn't looking for his partner at all, he was looking for me."

Watari pushed his glasses up on his face and sat down across from Hisoka, expression thoughtful. "It wasn't precisely a lie, Hisoka. He _was_ looking for you, but he was looking for his partner as well. He found both of you at the same time, really." 

Hisoka looked puzzled for a moment, then started to piece some things together. Like how Tsuzuki said he was 'special', how the doctor was for the shinigami—how sad Tsuzuki looked when he said that he found his partner—

"I…you don't mean me…" He said, startled at the thought. "I…I can't be some type of shinigami—I mean…" Hisoka shook his head in negation. "I would have remembered something like _that_, I'm sure. And wouldn't Tsuzuki have said something when he found me?" A nagging thought was that Tsuzuki didn't want him as his partner, and that's why he didn't say anything. Nobody in his family had ever wanted him, why would this be any different?

"No, because you told Tsuzuki that you were happier were you where." Watari shrugged. "And Tsuzuki will put anyone's happiness above his own—especially yours, Hisoka. He didn't want to make you live a life that you never wanted—and he wanted to give you the happy childhood that you never had." Watari rolled his eyes. "In short, Tsuzuki was being an idiot denying you to be where you belonged, denying himself a partner and generally making himself slip into more of a miserable slump than usual." 

Hisoka was startled. "He… cared that much?" He asked, bewildered. _No one_ ever bothered to care about what he felt, and Tsuzuki certainly didn't seem any different as he followed Hisoka around everywhere and told him what had to be done.

_ Wait, that's not quite fair. Tsuzuki said he was sorry that it was that way, that he wanted me to be alive. _He felt vaguely uncomfortable, not knowing how to deal with the emotion that was associated with those actions, not sure how to reply to someone that seemed so selfless as to give up what was obviously important to him in the face of Hisoka's stubborn refusal to see the truth.

Watari noticed his silence and smiled to himself. Bon hadn't changed a bit in his way of thinking. He was reverting back to form, of how he acted whenever Tsuzuki was kind to him. He treated it with suspicion at first, always demanding '_Why_' of Tsuzuki. He slowly began to accept that it was just the way Tsuzuki was.

"He cared that much, Bon. You were his partner—are his partner, I should say. You've been his partner for the past three years; ever since you came to the Shokan Division. Tsuzuki has _never_ kept a partner for more than three months before you. You're very important to him because you never gave up."

Hisoka pondered this for a few moments, expression inward as Watari got up and took a few more tests, humming to himself and generally leaving Hisoka to his own thoughts as he entered in his information. When Tsuzuki came back, he would have a lot of questions for him.

~

Tsuzuki sat across from Tatsumi and Konoe, expression guarded. "Well, Hisoka is back." He said unnecessarily. Anything to fill the silence that was rapidly growing more uncomfortable. "He still doesn't remember anything, but Watari will run some tests to see if he can figure anything out…" 

Konoe sighed, hands clasped together as he leaned forward. "Tsuzuki, did Kurosaki-san tell you anything of what he knows yet?" He raised an eyebrow. "Any bit of information will help speed this along. He may remember something that will bring his memories back, restore your partner to you—"

Tsuzuki shook his head. "We haven't grilled him for information yet, Kaichou. Watari will try and get something out of him, but for the most part, we're going to give him a day to adjust. He just found out that he's been dead for the past three years, with no memory of how it happened besides what he managed to glean from the newspapers." His expression darkened. "And you know how much is in there."

Tatsumi sighed and rubbed his temples. "What has happened to Kurosaki-san is unfortunate, all of us agree with that, Tsuzuki-san. But do you realize that this has never happened before? We never had a shinigami forget what he became. We need to find out as soon as possible what caused this."

Tsuzuki glared at him. "And I said we'll find out soon enough." He snapped, temper fraying. He hadn't slept well for the past few weeks, had been hanging on a thread to sanity, and all he wanted to do was sleep for a day and try to get his nerves under control. Hisoka being back was wonderful, but a Hisoka who didn't even know who he really was hurt. "He's still my partner, and I'm going to take care of him. That means letting him rest and get used to everything."

Tatsumi looked startled at the unusual outburst from Tsuzuki. He hardly ever got that vocal, but then again, anything that involved Kurosaki-san was bound to set off the wrong triggers wit him. "Fine." He said shortly. "You take care of him tonight, but we _will_ be talking to him in the morning."

Tsuzuki made a face at Tatsumi's tone, but then shrugged. "I said I would do that, didn't I?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'll take care of it." He stood up, brushing a hand through his hair and offering an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry… I'm a little… out of sorts." He said softly. "Just give me a day or so as well." It was the closest Tsuzuki ever came to admitting that the situation was bothering him, one of the few times he let anyone see any of his real moods. 

Konoe nodded, smiling at Tsuzuki, but there was real urgency in his eyes as well. "We understand, Tsuzuki. We'll give you two days, but no more than that. If what happened to Kurosaki-san is repeatable, we have to find out the cause of it so it doesn't happen again."

Tsuzuki nodded his agreement, one hand already on the door and poised to leave. "I'll keep that in mind." His smile grew brighter again, and Tatsumi groaned inwardly at the mask that Tsuzuki was once again donning, hiding his real emotions from the real world. 

After he was gone, Tatsumi turned to Konoe with a worried expression on his face. "I hope that this all goes well." He muttered. "I don't care to have Tsuzuki lose his mind again, and if Kurosaki-san doesn't remember soon, that may just happen." He prayed that it wouldn't happen.

~

"So, Bon—" Watari perched at the edge of the table, grinning broadly at Hisoka. "Care to tell me a bit about yourself? Like how you got to be away from home and away from that charming family of yours?"

Hisoka stiffened instinctively. He was still nervous, unsure of all of what was going on. All he wanted to do was get _away_ from everybody and just try to sort through all the junk in his head. He didn't want to answer questions about his family. He didn't want to think about his family…but—Watari raised a very good question, and one that he couldn't answer.

"I…I don't remember." He said truthfully. "That part of my life is kind of a blur to me. I don't recall exactly how I got out, except that I remember being scared of being around my family—of what they would say or do to me when they knew I was taking advantage of the walks that they allowed me…" He swallowed convulsively. Somehow the thought of those walks made him slightly uneasy, a queasy feeling building up in the bottom of his stomach. "They would let me go down to the village near our estates—fresh air so that it wasn't obvious to everyone what they did to their son." His voice was bitter. 

Watari was about to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, but thought better of it as he watched him, eyes sad. "I know it couldn't have been easy for you." He said gently. "Your family was never very warm to you." He exhaled heavily, not looking at Hisoka for a moment. "But, go on. You said that you were taking advantage of their walks--?" 

Hisoka nodded. "I would sneak away for longer distances, trying to plan out something to get me out of there. That's all I really remember. It's rather fuzzy. It just seems that one moment I was home, the next I was in a completely different place, free from my parents and a life to hide behind. They never searched for me…" his voice trailed off, as he realized _why_ they never searched for him. 

"I see…" Watari tilted his head to the side. "Any place in particular that you ended up?" He asked casually. "You must have been pretty far from your families estates to have felt safe enough to move around." 

Frowning slightly, Hisoka tried to remember. "I was in…Nagasaki, I think." He said finally. "I had an apartment, everything was taken care of, and it seemed that it had been for quite some time."

Watari looked confused at that, brows drawing in as he tried to put the pieces together. "The only thing that makes sense is Nagasaki… in a way." He murmured. "That's one city that you were assigned to as a shinigami, that's where you and Tsuzuki first met—and the first time you saw Muraki since…" He broke off abruptly, gaze lightning as he came to some internal conclusion. He immediately jumped off the table and moved over to his computer, typing rapidly.

"Met who?" Hisoka asked, confused by Watari's abrupt change in behavior. One moment the scientist was completely calm, just questioning Hisoka about little facts, and then the next moment it was like someone lit a fire underneath him and he was moving at hyper speed.

Watari swung around in his chair to face Hisoka, a wide, satisfied smiled on his face. "I think I may have found the connection, Bon." 


	5. Chapter Four

Optimal Balance

Chapter 4/?

By: Lazuli

Another chapter! Still not the longest chapters in the world, but this part pretty much needed to be done, and I'm not certain at the part it ended at. I'm sure that I could continue on and have a twenty page monster…but I need to rewrite the scene that's coming up, since this deviates from my handwritten copy. I want to thank everyone that has reviewed so far—you're all so great and supportive. Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me, but I do claim all rights to this story. The description of Hisoka's home was taken from the manga. I hope this part isn't too boring, and I hope you enjoy! 

Hisoka blinked up at Watari, a little startled by the vehemence of that statement. "Found… the connection?" He questioned, brows drawing together. "What conn…" His voice trailed off as he put it together. "As to why I can't remember?" 

Watari nodded eagerly, blond hair falling into his eyes. He pulled Hisoka closer, pointing out the data on the screen. "It all goes back to Muraki, I think. Muraki was the one responsible for your death, and once…"

He stopped in mid-sentence when Hisoka jerked away from him, trying to shy away from some unknown fear. "I don't know what you're talking about. I died because of an illness. No one killed me." He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to hide his shaking. "I'm taking a lot in here, but there's only so far you can stretch your credibility."

"But, Bon—" Watari reached out for him again, only to have Hisoka move farther away. "I think that it would be best if you listened to this, it could help restore your memory if we can confirm some of this."

Hisoka frowned. "No. I want to go now, please." He turned his face away, looking towards the door. "Didn't Tsuzuki say that he was going to take me to my house after all of this?" His expression tightened. "I just want to go _home_ and try and be by myself for awhile, without everyone hovering over me and determined to correct me on a number of matters." 

Watari was saved by saying anything more when the door opened, letting Tsuzuki inside. "Are you ready to go, Hisoka?" His expression was calm, no hint of what went on when he visited Tatsumi and Konoe. "I have everything taken care of—I'm sure that you would like to rest." 

Hisoka nodded, barely looking at either of them as he hurried out of the room, Tsuzuki trailing after him, giving a hasty goodbye to Watari. "Hisoka, wait up! I have to show you where your house is, after all." There was that cheerful grin on his face again, eyes lighting up with some private amusement, joke—It was nothing like before.

Hisoka slowed down once they were out of the EnmaCho building, pausing by one of the sakura trees. "I just wanted to get out of there." He said softly. "Watari was saying a lot of gibberish." He looked away for a moment, wondering if some of the nonsense that Watari said was true. _Only one way to find out. _"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, staring straight at Tsuzuki, watching the smile falter, eyes holding a careful, wary look. 

"Tell you what, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, surprise lacing the tone of his voice as they started walking again, some people waving hello, some moving away from the pair of them. "We haven't had a lot of time to talk, really."

Rolling his eyes, Hisoka clarified himself. "About me being the partner that you were searching for." An uncomfortable silence met that statement, and Hisoka looked back up at Tsuzuki, but the older man's expression and emotions were unreadable. "It's true then, isn't it?"

Tsuzuki bit his lip and nodded, eyes shadowed. "Yes." He said softly. "You were my partner before you… vanished." His shoulders slumped slightly. "I didn't want to tell you—even if I _did_ tell you, I didn't think that you would believe me. You were already suspicious of me as it was, I didn't want to compound my mistake by telling you that."

"But why haven't you told me since?" Hisoka demanded. "When I asked you if you found your partner? You could have told me that I was your partner." He swallowed. "If it was because you didn't want me, I don't mind. I'm used to it, you know." 

Tsuzuki whirled on him, eyes wide. "That's not it at all, Hisoka!" He protested. "I wanted you as my partner. I never wanted you gone, I never wanted you to forget that you stayed with me when no one else had." He tried to grasp onto his thoughts, make himself clearer. "I just wanted you to be happy. When you seemed happier when you forgot who I was, who _you_ were, how do you think that made me feel?"

He sighed and continued walking again. "You have to have a very good reason for becoming a shinigami. It's not the best of jobs." His mouth turned up briefly. "While we're the most highly respected in Meifu, what we do is hardly…nice." Tsuzuki bit his lip. "And you seemed content, nothing remaining of what drove you to be a shinigami in the first place. I wanted you to keep that."

Looking vaguely annoyed, Hisoka raised an eyebrow at Tsuzuki. "It wasn't your choice though, was it?" He asked. "What if I need to be a shinigami and you were going to screw up a lot more things by keeping it a secret?" He looked away. "You don't know me, Tsuzuki. You don't know how I'll react to something. Maybe I _want_ to be a shinigami. I saw what you did, it doesn't seem too difficult."

Tsuzuki grimaced at that. "What you saw was the most low level spirit retrieval. We hardly _ever_ get cases like that, it's not our department to do so. The only reason why I did it was because I was in the area, and they hate wasting money." He rolled his eyes. "Usually we do much more…messy cases." 

He paused in front of Hisoka's house, shrugging slightly. "I'm sure much more will be covered tomorrow, Hisoka. Tatsumi and Konoe want to talk to you, but I gave you a couple of days at least. You're still officially an employee here." Now he looked vaguely amused. "Just don't let Tatsumi scare you too much. He can be a tyrant." Now there was a bit of a whine thrown into his voice, alluding to more of the childish attitude that was becoming more obvious. 

"I'm sure I'll be fine." Hisoka said dryly, watching as Tsuzuki unlocked the door of the small house. It was a small two storied structure. There was a small deck on the bottom, a chair barely visible. A few plants were on the windowsill, something that surprised Hisoka. He liked plants, but he had apparently been away for a long time. These looked well taken care of in spite of his absence. _I wonder if Tsuzuki was the one that took care of them. _Somehow he could see the older man taking care of the plants. Next to the plants was a mailbox, his name carefully inscribed on the side. 

Tsuzuki opened the door wide to let Hisoka in. Taking the key handed to him, Hisoka wondered if he should invite Tsuzuki in, or just let it go. What he really wanted was the time alone, where he didn't have to think at all, but there was something unsaid here, something that needed to be taken care of. _I suppose it can wait until my mind sorts itself out._

"Then…I'll see you tomorrow?" Tsuzuki asked hesitantly, eyes unreadable. "You're allowed entrance to JuOhCho anytime—One of us will be there at all times. Tatsumi hardly ever leaves, and I can't remember the last time Watari left that room he calls a lab." He reached forward, almost as if he wanted to touch Hisoka, but pulled back at the last minute, one hand running nervously though his hair. "You won't be alone here, Hisoka. I…it's not as bad as you might think it is."

_ And with your comforting words about the joys of being a shinigami, I'm sure everything will be perfect._ Hisoka thought sarcastically. _You don't exactly promote the position. _"Fine." He hovered in the doorway of _his_ home, an unsubtle signal that he was ready to go and didn't want to be bothered anymore. Tsuzuki finally got the hint and started backing away with a quick wave and a muttered goodbye. Once he was out of sight, Hisoka shut the door and surveyed his new home.

It was very…sparse. That was the first thing that came to mind, but somehow he wasn't too surprised. He never liked clutter—never had a use for it in his life. What he first noticed was all the windows and the large glass door that led out to the deck—it was a house that let in plenty of light. There was a small table in the corner, some type of ornamentation on it, and a few more plants in pots. Above him there was a hanging plant, the vines trailing down, and on the floor next to the entranceway was a small rug. 

_ At least some things make sense. _ He thought dryly. _I never liked closed in spaces after what my family did to me. Always…always I needed something more spacious than what the average apartment offered. _There was a large fish tank in the corner, and he went up to it, absently feeding the fish. After his inspection of the small kitchen, seeing what food was there, he moved on to the bedroom, which was as sparse as the rest of the apartment. The only objects on the walls were a small clock, and a mirror hanging over the dresser. 

_ I still don't remember this place, but if I had the chance to do what I wanted with a place, this would be it. The way things are set up are my style exactly. _He went over to the bookshelf, picking up a volume at random and smiling faintly. "Even down to my taste in books." He murmured, half to himself. It was all so surreal still, the concept that he was dead, that this was the rest of his eternity—or whatever passed for it in this world. He put the book aside and lay down on the bed, intent on just closing his eyes for a few moments. Within seconds, he was sound asleep.

~

Tsuzuki made himself comfortable in the chair that Hisoka vacated, watching Watari as he moved around the lab, babbling about things that Tsuzuki had no care to hear. What the scientist was avoiding was any mention of Hisoka. Getting tired of it all, he started to stand up, frustrated. "Watari, I am _leaving_ if you don't get to the point. What exactly did you tell Hisoka, _why_ did you tell him, and what did he tell you?" His voice clearly showed his exasperation, and Watari sighed, pushing up his glasses with one hand.

"Tsuzuki, you couldn't keep that from Bon. I don't even know why you wanted to keep up the secret after he came back to Meifu. You know that it wouldn't hold out for long. Everyone here knows him as a shinigami—we _are_ rather distinctive." Now his smile was a little strained. "And Tatsumi would never stand for it. And what would _you_ do without him, Tsuzuki?" His gaze was shrewd as he fixed it on his friend. "We know how much he means to you. We don't want to risk the chance of losing you again."

Tsuzuki waved away his concerns, pasting a smile on his face. "Now, Watari—you know I've improved a lot since then. Even if Hisoka wasn't my partner, it would still be okay because he was happy." His smile wavered ever so slightly. "Wasn't that what Tatsumi always said? Your happiness is my happiness?"

Watari rolled his eyes. "You're so full of it." He muttered. "And you're not fooling anyone. I can't wait until Bon is back to his normal self again. Then we won't have to put up with these stupid games of yours." He pointed a finger at Tsuzuki. "He's still the same Bon, and you're still the same as well. You won't be able to start off when you ended, but you can pick up the pieces soon enough. And keeping information from him is _not_ the way to get things back to normal."

Sighing, Tsuzuki rubbed at his face with one hand, eyes tired looking when he lifted them again to Watari. "I know, and it's hard to see that sometimes. Hisoka seems like he would be happier by himself sometimes—but _I_ can't let that happen. I don't want him to ever be alone again." 

Watari shook his head. "Well, he's not going to be. The rest of the us will make sure that he fits right back in again, but you know that he's always trusted you—from the very beginning." 

"It's not the same." Tsuzuki said stubbornly. "There's nothing to work off of now, Muraki is gone and I don't ever want to put him in that same type of danger again, just to get his memory back. He has a different outlook on life right now—and do you honestly want to turn him into that again?" He shook his head. "He was hurt so badly when Muraki cursed him—and the pain of death for three years…" He sighed and looked off. "There are some memories that are better forgotten."

"You, Tsuzuki Asato, are an idiot." Tatsumi said firmly, entering the room and frowning down at his co-worker. "You do realize that while some memories are not vital to production, deliberately keeping Kurosaki-san in the dark is not the way to go about things."

Tsuzuki turned sullen. "He's my partner." He muttered. "You said to take care of him, and him being a shinigami is not the happiest of occupations." His expression turned almost wistful. "And he doesn't have anything to hold him here anymore."

"Are you so sure about that, Tsuzuki-san?" Tatsumi questioned, one eyebrow raising in inquiry. "You and Hisoka were very close, you know that." He pointed out. "You're very special to him, and even if he doesn't remember now, he will later and what do you think that will do to him if he thinks you really did want to get rid of him?"

Tsuzuki snorted and shook his head. "If Hisoka remembers, he'll understand." He said stubbornly. "He knows me as well as I know him and he would understand why I did it." He looked sad for a moment. 

"Then cross that bridge when you come to it. If Kurosaki-san wants to leave after he remembers everything, then he may. As for right now, he is under our jurisdiction, and Enma himself has decreed that he stays." Tatsumi smiled faintly. "Much in the same manner as you, Tsuzuki-san. As long as you are here, it is vital that Kurosaki-san is here, and _you_ will be here for an unforeseeable amount of time."

"I don't need to be reminded." Tsuzuki said sharply. "Just let me deal with things my own way, won't you?" He asked. "If I let you guys in charge of things, you'd spill all sorts of private stuff that he wouldn't be able to deal with at the time. I think he should just gradually remember." There was a slight pause. "And if at all possible, I don't want him to remember Muraki." His expression was inescapably stubborn. 

Tatsumi opened his mouth to protest when Watari put a restraining hand on his arm. "Leave it, Tatsumi." He said hurriedly. "You don't have the time to deal with this right now, but you _can _bring him on assignments—slowly." He suddenly looked very thoughtful. "I mean, Tsuzuki is strong enough for several shinigami and Hisoka can knock him out or at least get him out of the area before anything too dangerous happens." His lips turned up in a grin. "He's done it enough times before."

Tsuzuki protested, eyes filling with tears at the implication. "You're so _mean_, Watari! I don't need to be watched over like a child." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I've been doing this for longer than any of you."

"And destroyed more property in Chijou _and_ Meifu than any ten shinigami combined." Tatsumi pointed out swiftly. "You need Hisoka around just to keep you steady. As long as you have your partner watching out for the worst of the dangers, then whatever assignment we put you on should be fairly easy to handle." He tapped his finger on the desk, frowning thoughtfully. "After all, if we can send the GuShoShin with you, then even an untrained shinigami will be help."

"Hisoka is more than that!" Tsuzuki protested. "And he doesn't deserve to be used like that." He ran a hand through his hair, sighing explosively. "I can keep him out of danger if anything happens." He finally conceded, but then raised an eyebrow. "Or you can just put him through training again."

Tatsumi looked pained at the mention of the money and time it would take to retrain an already experienced shinigami. "But Kurosaki-san already knows what to do." He tried to plead. "It's just a matter of remembering—"

Tsuzuki tilted his chin up in the air, as stubborn as a child trying to get his way did. "I am not putting Hisoka in unnecessary danger, and think of the expense of treating a shinigami if he got hurt on the job." He saw Tatsumi swallow and he hid a triumphant smile. "Taking out a small amount of time to train him will not hurt matters any." 

"But—you could train him…" Tatsumi tried one last avenue, but Watari was already laughing at that, shaking his head at the suggestion of Tsuzuki training Hisoka. 

"No go, Tatsumi. Bon's talents are wildly different from Tsuzuki's—we never did get Hisoka to properly learn fuda magic, and calling a shikigami is completely out of the question at this point in time." Watari grinned. "Plus, can you see Bon submitting to Tsuzuki as his teacher?"

Tatsumi looked pained at the thought, ignoring Tsuzuki's whining about how mean all of them were, trying to set his mind on the current problem. He turned to Tsuzuki, cutting him off in mid-whine. "Bring Kurosaki-san to the meeting in two days. We'll see what we can do then. We want to get him back into the routine of things. Hopefully that will help him regain his memories."

"Bon hasn't lost his empathetic ability, just some of his control of shielding over it. You can block your emotions from him, but his insight to other matters is valuable. He's also very sharp, so as long as you keep an eye on him like normal, there shouldn't be any problems when you _do_ go down to Chijou on assignment."

Tsuzuki nodded reluctantly, letting the conversation move to other things, but his mind was on Hisoka, and he hoped that things would make sense soon, that they would be able get their Hisoka back. The only clue they had to the memory loss was Muraki, but that man was far beyond any of them now.

~

Hisoka settled back into his chair, sighing. He decided to come to this meeting against his better judgement, not really caring for these people, what lives they led outside of his. Even with the proof that he was a shinigami, it wasn't as if he could really contribute anything.

_ And Tsuzuki isn't even here._ He rolled his eyes. He came because Tsuzuki asked him, told him how important it was that he come to this meeting—he _had_ only been able to grant him two days of peace, but his gave into the man's incessant pleading to show up today.

The door to the small conference room slammed open, Tsuzuki running in, some type of pastry clutched in one hand. Tatsumi looked up from the speech he was giving, frowning.

"Tsuzuki-san, I would have expected better of you than to be late today. Did I not tell you specifically to be here _early_, since there were matters to be arranged before the meeting started?" He demanded, as Tsuzuki settled meekly into the seat next to Hisoka. He put the bun in front of Hisoka with a cheerful wink. 

"I'm sorry, Tatsumi-san—there was just this really good desert shop—and I wanted to get Hisoka something for breakfast since I'm sure that he really didn't eat breakfast and you really can't go long without something to eat…" This was all said in practically one breath, entreating Tatsumi with a look. 

Hisoka rolled his eyes at the whining tone, the childish attitude of the older man, but was strangely touched that he went out of his way to get something for _him._ He pushed it away, though, frowning. "I don't like sweet stuff." He said sharply. "If I did before, it's different now." 

"I know you don't like sweet stuff." Tsuzuki perked up immediately, ignoring Tatsumi glowering in the corner. "This isn't sweet—it's just red bean paste—I know you like those." He practically beamed at Hisoka. "See, I _do_ know you." Hisoka blushed at the cheerful wink accompanying the smile. 

Tatsumi cleared his throat, frowning down at the end of the table. "Be it as it may, Tsuzuki-san—you are late when you said you would not be." He paused. "Although I do not know why I ever imagine you to be on time." He rubbed at his forehead, as if he had a headache. "We have important business to attend to. You have a case."

Tsuzuki looked astonished, and Hisoka remembered what he said earlier about him being taken off all but the simplest of assignments because of his lack of a partner. "You mean…something actually turned up?" His expression was suspicious. "What are you up to, Tatsumi?" 

Konoe next to the secretary frowned. "It's not a joke. There is a large number of missing souls in the area, and from what we can trace from the area, it's some type of demon or malevolent spiritual activity. We need you and Kurosaki-san to investigate." He carefully avoided looking at Hisoka.

Hisoka was astonished, he jumped out of his seat and stared at Tatsumi and Konoe. "You've … you've got to be kidding me!" he exclaimed. "I don't know one thing about being a shinigami, or what to do on this sort of thing. I mean—I guess that I knew before, but I don't know anything _now, _and isn't that a little bit dangerous?"

Tsuzuki gave him a weak smile. "Apparently they deemed that it was fine for you to go—Tatsumi hates wasting manpower, and with a case like this, I wouldn't be allowed on my own." He bit his lip. "And you're still my partner, Hisoka. You and I work in that area where the activity has taken place." 

"But—but…" He tried to form a good protest, but the only things that came back sounded ridiculous to his own mind. The fact that he wasn't trained in all this. That the thought of going back to Chijou scared him—what if he ran into his family, someone he knew? He still wasn't quite adjusted to the fact that he was dead, and having to deal with demons on his first assignment wasn't exactly thrilling to him.

Watari grinned openly at him. "Look on the bright side, Bon. You're already dead, so what's out there can't kill you." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Of course, it can maim you and put several holes in your body that would take a long time to regenerate—" He stopped when Hisoka paled slightly at the mention of holes in his body.

"Watari, stop it." Tsuzuki gave him an irritable look. "If Hisoka has to come on this assignment, I'm going to make sure that nothing gets to him. He's my partner, not yours and I don't care to scare him about the worst that can happen out there." He muttered under his breath, almost too low for Hisoka to hear. "After all, when he remembers that will be bad enough."

Hisoka glared at all of them. "I'm not a baby, but I don't know the situation here. I hope that you're going to brief me on this before you just toss me down there with a guy who thinks that buying food for his partner is more important than attending a meeting that can affect the outcome of a situation. _He's_ supposed to explain things to me, not the other way around."

Tsuzuki's ears flattened and he turned watery eyes on his partner. "But you love me around, Hisoka!" He pouted. "You know that I'm only looking after your health, and of _course_ we wouldn't expect you to do anything that you're not capable of."

Hisoka snorted, but then nodded towards Tatsumi, quite as if his outburst never occurred. "Let's get on with it, then." He said shortly. "I want to make sure I understand everything."

Tatsumi frowned a little at the derisive tone, but he let it slide for now. He needed a little leeway at first. Finding you were dead was bad enough, but forgetting you were dead and then finding out later that you had been dead for the past three years of your life…well, anyone would be annoyed. He cleared his throat and went on. 

He explained the case as succinctly as possible, outlining all the information they managed to gather, pointing out what he wanted each of them to do. Having Hisoka pose as a student was usually standard, but they were all wary of Hisoka slipping into that role again, where names might come up where they weren't needed. And it was lucky that the case called for something else. It was younger children that was being taken—so all they were going to do was observe and try and track down the demon—ghost—whatever it was as soon as she struck. It was going to be long and time consuming—but—

Tsuzuki frowned over the details of the case, eyes darkening at the thought of the young children dying when they weren't supposed to, souls being trapped, hurt…used—it was sickening and a case that always tore at him inwardly. It was a very good thing that Hisoka was going to be accompanying him on this assignment, just to keep him sane.

Hisoka looked up at his partner, sighing inwardly. It was going to be a long assignment, one that he wasn't sure that he was ready for, but he belatedly realized that this was his chance to prove himself. His chance to show that he was strong and capable. He would succeed at this. _Things will turn out just fine. _


	6. Chapter Five

Optimal Balance

Chapter 5/?

By: Lazuli

Surprise, another chapter. The plot is moving right along--*glances at notes and grimaces* Although it's deviated from my original intentions, I like this version much better. Actually _has_ a plot. I hope that you're all enjoying this, I know I'm having fun writing it and seeing how it develops. Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me, but I do take credit for this story. Please enjoy! 

Hisoka frowned to himself as he followed Tsuzuki through the streets, navigating through the crowd with ease. He hated the feeling of so many minds pressing down on at him, but it helped that they didn't realize he was really _there._ It was like they would consciously avoid him, but without the realization that he was actually beside them. It was rather disconcerting.

They had been in the area for what seemed like forever before they finally hit on a lead. So that's what they were doing—making haste through the streets of Fukuoka, hoping to catch the demon creature before it did any more damage. And ultimately hoping to save those souls that were already captured.

He was about to question Tsuzuki whether or not the demon seemed closed—_he_ didn't have any experience in these matters, when he practically fell to the ground, the darker presence stretching across his senses with an almost painful intensity. His vision wavered for a moment as he struggled to find that spark of himself in the darkness. He never felt anything like it before. 

"Tsu…Tsuzuki…" He managed to get out, the older man immediately beside him, eyes staring into his, the concern a welcome relief against the darkness that sat outside the edge of his senses. "It's…close."

Tsuzuki immediately straightened up, one hand supporting Hisoka as he looked around, gaze sharp. "Do you know where it's coming from?" He asked quietly. If the creature was anywhere remotely close, he didn't want to take the chance that they would be overheard, but if it was as clever as it had shown to be before, it could very possibly sense their presence.

Frowning, Hisoka concentrated on the source of that perverted pleasure, the sick enjoyment in the slow pain that was being inflicted on some soul. He attempted to stand on his own, determined to not lean on anyone's strength but his own. It was hard, but he finally managed to feel the source of the power, but he pulled away just as he found it, face paling at the enormity of what he felt. He managed to point out the general direction, mind still dazed from the contact.

Tsuzuki's gaze grew sharp, and he seemed to come to some type of conclusion. He gently pulled Hisoka to the side. "You stay here." He said firmly, eyes completely serious. "I don't want you getting hurt, and I'm positive that I can handle this on my own."

Hisoka opened his mouth to protest. The thing was too _strong_ for someone like Tsuzuki to handle alone. Tsuzuki stopped him before he could voice his anger at the suggestion, brown hair falling into his eyes as he shook his head. 

"I know you don't like it, Hisoka—but I'm not going to risk you when I've just got you back with me." The stubborn look on his face was almost a match for Hisoka's own, but Hisoka had a sinking feeling that he was going to be outclassed. He couldn't exactly compete with seventy plus years of practice at being stubborn. _Or eyes that could rival a beaten puppy for pleading. _

While he was still trying to think of suitable, brain trying to override a pleading that he didn't know could be possible in a human being, Tsuzuki vanished—even from his sight. _But he can't hide from my empathy. _He growled to himself. _Or that damnable presence from our 'case.'_

So even though the strength of the distorted emotions, every sense of his screaming out how _wrong_ it was, he moved ahead, following the pain like a signal. He wondered vaguely how Tsuzuki got so far ahead of him, when he realized he was already there. They were in what seemed to be an abandoned warehouse, but Hisoka felt the faint tinge of 'Tsuzuki' magic around it, and he wondered just what the illusion covered. He swallowed and ducked back in time so he wouldn't be seen, but the demon seemed to have all of her attention focused on Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki was grim faced, anger radiating off of him as he faced the demon. It was something he didn't know that the man could really feel—and he was rather surprised to be feeling his emotions so clearly. He possessed seriousness and self-confidence that previously Hisoka wouldn't have thought him capable of. _Not that I know him that well._ He reminded himself, eyes trained on the scene, mind working out a way to help matters. 

The demon almost glided towards Tsuzuki, brushing long fingers down his cheek. "_Such_ a soul." It murmured in delight. "Normally I go for the younger ones—but _yours…_" Its voice was almost seductive, but the undertones grated across Hisoka's senses painfully. 

It went on, circling Tsuzuki, who didn't relax his stance, eyes watching the creature warily. "I could make you a deal, _shinigami_. I know what you're after—and I'll make a deal with you. If I returned all these souls, would you give me yours in return?" It gestured and gave Tsuzuki a knowing smile. "It would be a shame if anything _else_ happened, wouldn't it?"

Horrified, Hisoka realized that the source of the pain, the terror, was stronger than ever and something that looked like a writhing mass of…_something_, appeared behind the demon. It was the trapped souls—he felt like he was going to be sick at the sight of it all. It shook him to see that something like that could be done to your _soul_, that what always seemed eternal was in danger of being annihilated, tortured—mutilated or scarred beyond comprehension. 

And what made it worse, it seemed that Tsuzuki was actually considering the offer, violet eyes narrowed in thought. Hisoka could practically see the wheels turning in the man's head—weighing his worth against so many trapped souls. _No, you idiot!_ He wanted to yell. _You can't do something like that!_

There was an intense pause, one that Hisoka felt went on too long, about to interfere, about to do _something_ that would at least make something of a difference; something to make sure Tsuzuki didn't make a fatal mistake.

Finally shaking his head in negation, all of his contemplation of the matter gone. "I don't think so." He murmured softly. "My soul wouldn't be good for your little feasting." His eyes hardened. "Now, free those souls before you _really_ piss me off."

"I don't think so, sweetie." The demon moved swiftly, dark magic restraining Tsuzuki before he could move to counteract it. "That was a one time offer—and a one way offer as well. I get you—the souls go free. I _don't _get you, I get to keep the souls and most likely keep you captive while you watch me devour them." The smile was anything but pleasant. "Now, have you changed your mind at all? Just think—I _could_ let you go after I eat the souls, letting you live with the fact that you could have saved them. After all, what is your soul weighed against all these innocents?"

Hisoka didn't know exactly what was going on with the demon's particular mental attack, but he saw too clearly the effect that it was having on Tsuzuki. The man was visibly wilting, and he caught waves of self-loathing, and a strong belief in the demon's words. He wavered, and Hisoka knew that he had to risk all to save him. He didn't bother examining his reasoning, he just reacted.

Throwing himself at the creature, he managed to offset its concentration enough where Tsuzuki was able to break free, panting slightly. Staring blankly for a moment, he didn't seem to realize right away that he was free, but Hisoka didn't have time to fix the wrongs in Tsuzuki's head—he needed the man's strength _now,_ he wasn't able to battle the demon alone.

"Tsuzuki—_do_ something!" He demanded, face twisted in pain as the demon managed to get the upper hand and pinned him to the ground, claws trying to slice through him. Its face was dark with fury, eyes smoldering. 

"How _dare_ you interfere!" It hissed out. "You are not part of my plans." Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that Tsuzuki had some type of trick up his sleeve to counteract the demon. He vaguely heard Tsuzuki murmuring, power building up at a rapid rate until the very air seemed to shimmer with it. Hisoka barely had enough time to send a quick thank you for Tsuzuki shaking off his daze long enough to do something when he was blown backwards by a scorching wind, crashing into the wall. He was quite out of the way of the demon and the battle that was taking place.

His unfocused gaze watched as something that resembled a phoenix hovered over the demon, fury written on the 'face', screeching out her anger. Tsuzuki's eyes were half closed in concentration, but he made another gesture, eyes opening and focusing on the firebird. "Burn." He whispered. It was over so quickly at that point, that Hisoka wondered just why the hell that Tsuzuki didn't do that from the beginning.

He wasn't able to demand that question of the older man, though. Before he could do much more than stagger towards Tsuzuki, the floor seemed to lurch underneath his feet and he only registered Tsuzuki's guilt and concern before he fell into blissful unconsciousness.

~

"Just _what_ were you thinking, Tsuzuki?" A harsh voice demanded. "You barely—and I stress _barely_ managed to save those souls with this case—involving a shikigami in such a public area—do you know the memory distortions that we're going to have to do for this? Do you know how many people saw those fireworks that you so obligingly showed off?" 

Hisoka groaned and struggled to open his eyes. The room was slightly unfocused for a moment, and uncomfortably bright. He gave his eyes a moment to adjust, looking around. He was in the infirmary, and he wondered just how he got there—

"But Tatsumi—I _did_ save them. I couldn't do anything else but call Suzaku. The creature was going to eat those souls—and…" He swallowed. "It hurt Hisoka, too—because…"

"That's another thing!" The secretary shouted. "You put your partner in danger! I don't care about your excuses about him getting in the way or you trying to dissuade him from coming with you. You shouldn't have left him alone. What if it had been a trap?"

Hisoka frowned at the lecture, feeling vaguely wrong that Tsuzuki was getting so berated when he didn't really deserve the lecture. _Well, he does deserve some of it._ He mentally conceded. 

"Stop yelling at Tsuzuki." He said irritably. _Only I'm allowed to do that._ He ignored that thought and tried to sit up without hurting himself. "He did want he obviously thought was best, even _I_ figured out that he'll rarely think with his head if someone's in danger." He snorted. "That man is pure emotion sometimes."

All heads turned towards him at the sound of his voice, Watari rushing over to his side immediately, shaking his head over Hisoka's condition. "You're awake!" He said in relief, eyes losing some of the worry as he examined Hisoka. "We didn't think you would for awhile—you _were _healing with the speed of a mortal for some reason and it's rather distressing." 

Hisoka blinked at that implication, and seized upon it. Here was his chance to go home. Somehow that thought wasn't as desperate as before, but he was too stubborn to give it up completely. "Maybe you have the wrong person." He suggested. "Maybe I just look like the Hisoka you knew." His own mind was taunting him at the ridiculousness of the statement.

"Nice try, Bon. But I said you _were_. It was only before you just woke up that you resumed the normal speed of a shinigami. Good thing, too." He frowned. "You had some rather nasty wounds and the only thing I can surmise about that slow healing was that some part of you thought like a mortal, and let your body heal accordingly to that."

Tsuzuki frowned at the both of them, pouting a little. "Hisoka's so _mean!_" He protested. "I thought plenty for that case—I don't treat them like they're nothing, Hisoka." His eyes flicked up to Tatsumi for a moment. "I just get involved, that's all. I don't let it overrule _everything_."

"You—you almost let that creature _eat_ you!" Hisoka said incredulously, the pain receding the more his head cleared. "It said something to you that made you crumple—I thought that you were going to give in."

Tsuzuki avoided his gaze, finding the view out the window infinitely more fascinating than Hisoka's penetrating look. "But thank to you, I didn't." He said calmly. He let his gaze move back briefly to give Hisoka a warm smile before it switched again. "That's what partners are for. They back each other up like that, help save them when they get into stupid situations like I did."

Hisoka snorted, disbelieving. "Why am I not overly convinced that even with someone to watch over you, that you still managed to get into situations like that." He raised an eyebrow, daring Tsuzuki to refute his accusation.

"_Hisoka!_" Tsuzuki whined. "That's not fair!" He sat up straighter, eyes filling with tears. "I'm just trying to tell you how often we were there for each other—I wasn't always messing up." He muttered rebelliously, face set in a pout that rivaled a small child's.

Tatsumi sighed, rolling his eyes at the change in attitude. "You're not getting any type of bonus because of this, you realize." He said finally. Tsuzuki's eyes went wide and his eyes seemed to get bigger and more pathetic looking. "In fact, I'm thinking about docking your pay for the carelessness you displayed. You _can't_ be so reckless, Tsuzuki."

He wasn't just frustrated for financial reasons—although that did figure in a great deal—but he was frustrated over the lack of concern Tsuzuki still seemed to hold for himself. He thought that there was a chance of that changing when Hisoka came back, but something had to have happened to set him off again.

"Tsuzuki, we will discuss this at length later, once you have finished filling out your reports on what transpired. I expect the full details by the end of the day today." He pushed up his glasses with one finger. "No excuses." He handed Tsuzuki a large folder and a pen, a small smile on his face.

_Paperwork, why shouldn't I be surprised?_ Hisoka thought, shaking his head. _I guess Tsuzuki's comment about being a detective wasn't too far off the mark. It seems that we do everything a 'mortal' detective force would do, with a few exceptions. Next they'll be telling me there's coffee and donuts in the break room._

"Oh, and Hisoka—once you feel up to it, I want to see your report on this as well." Tatsumi gave him a daunting look, and Hisoka blinked at it, startled for a moment. "There is a desk for you in the main office, and I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable."

Hisoka nodded hesitantly, looking over the folder that was the twin to Tsuzuki's. It seemed that they were already fitting him right into the environment, not thinking that he was still needing to adjust. They already saw him as a working part of the office. _Which I have been to the rest of them. _ He looked down at the folder again and sighed. It shouldn't be too hard. _But not exactly what I thought my afterlife would be like._

~

The next few days passed by uneventfully, no cases coming up in their district. Tatsumi remarked at one point that KyuShu was the throwaway sector, the bottom of the line for a shinigami. "Nothing happens in KyuShu that often, Kurosaki-san, but when it does, it's rather… spectacular."

Hisoka pondered on that as he moved through the office, people greeting him cheerfully as he went by, calling him by name as if they were old friends. _Which they are. _That was still hard to accept at times. His mind was still a blank as to how he fit in here. Even with working on that case with Tsuzuki—finishing the man's paperwork just to save him the headache of another whining session—he still didn't quite fit in. There was too much unsaid, too much that he forgot. 

The mystery of _how_ he forgot everything was still unsolved. He lived a different lifestyle than the one he was used to. People treated him differently. There was no mocking, no cringing or running from him. They spoke to him like they had regular conversations with him before, as if he _hadn't_ always been closed off. He kept people away from him for several reasons, and it baffled him to see the actions of other people contradicting that.

He moved outside, nothing really pressing keeping him in the office. Tsuzuki was off somewhere—he didn't remember where he said he had to go, only that it was important and for Hisoka not to worry. Hisoka had only rolled his eyes, saying that he wasn't his nursemaid, and _was_ quite sure that the man could take care of himself. But still—he felt like it was important to reassure Tsuzuki that he wouldn't mind, that it would ease some part of Tsuzuki's mind. _He's been quiet ever since that case._

Pausing in the sakura grove, he let his thoughts turn to that, on how he saw people now, how different it had obviously been with Tsuzuki. And he couldn't figure out _why._

__

I never get close to people, because I don't want to get hurt. I hurt people because they'll hurt me eventually. I can always feel what their intentions are, their loathing and their mockery of me—but it's so different _here. _He stared up at the branches of a tree, recalling that was how he first spotted Tsuzuki spying on the school.

He wondered vaguely what would have happened if he never confronted Tsuzuki on that matter, then shrugged it off. It happened, and there wasn't anything he was able to do to change it. He was dead—that was an irrevocable fact. It would have eventually come back to his point, anyway. He did still wonder what ever made him leave in the first place, what caused him to forget. _And if I can't remember on my own, it's time that I started asking questions. _

~

The first person he decided to corner was Watari. Not out of any real preference, just the fact that the scientist seemed less busy than anyone else, except for the fact that he was locked in his lab, smoke drifting out from behind the door. He opened it readily enough to Hisoka, though, practically beaming at him. Hisoka was seriously reconsidering this visit, ready to make up an excuse to get him out, but Watari took the choice right out of his hands.

"Bon! What a pleasant surprise." He moved papers and a few books from a chair that looked like it had seemed too many explosions, creaking ominously as Hisoka sat down. The lab/office was just as disorganized as it was before, papers falling off the table, something that looked like pond liquid sitting in a beaker on a smoking Bunsen burner. 

"I…I wanted to talk." Hisoka's brows drew in as he warily eyed the concoction, apprehensive of getting to close to over-heated glass. "Isn't that dangerous?" He felt obliged to point out, as much for his safety as Watari's. "I don't think that it should be smoking like that."

Watari's attention shifted from his and he gasped, grabbing an equally ancient pair of tongs and lifted the beaker, waving one hand at the smoke. "Ugh, I really need to get some of that new stuff that they're using in Chijou." He grimaced at the burner. "Tatsumi's too tightfisted with expenses to lend me just a _little_ more than my normal spending limit." Giving a dramatic sigh, he poured the contents of the beaker into another container. "No one has respect for science anymore."

Hisoka cleared his throat and tried to look interested, but he needed to have answers. "Watari—" He cleared his throat. "I wanted to ask you a few questions about…about me." At Watari's confused look, he clarified his meaning. "About how I was like before."

Watari blinked, setting aside his experiment for the moment, giving Hisoka a thoughtful look. "Pretty much the same way you are now, Bon. Maybe a little more open than you are now—but when you first came to us, you weren't exactly social." He smiled faintly. "But it wasn't as if you were completely different, Bon. You can't change your inherent nature."

Hisoka gave a nearly inaudible sigh of relief. He was afraid that he was going to be told that he was open and cheerful—something that he couldn't imagine being. He rather liked his solitude, and never had much cause to really smile, much less be the cheerful creature that Tsuzuki or Watari seemed to be. 

"But people look at me sometimes like they expect me to be acting different." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't like showing my emotions." He said stiffly. "Yet whenever I'm around Tsuzuki or Wakaba-chan, they look at me like they expect me to smile or do something else…I don't know what they expect."

Watari took off his glasses for a moment, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Much of that has to do with Tsuzuki, Bon—not just you. You already know that you were partners, you were the _only_ partner to stick with him for so long." Putting his glasses back on, he gave Hisoka a direct look. "Tsuzuki has been working here for the last seventy plus years, he's been alive since nineteen hundred, and in all that time, no one has wanted to really keep him." He paused. "You were the only one, Hisoka. So of course people expect you to be more open around Tsuzuki, because that's the way it was. But don't force yourself, Bon."

Hisoka digested that thought, brows drawing in. "So how did I act around him?" He questioned after a few moments. "I mean, I hardly see him now—no matter that we're partners or not. He looks in on me to make sure I'm doing fine, then rushes off to some other task. You would think that he's trying to avoid me for some reason."

Watari winced. "All too accurate, Bon. Tsuzuki's just…strange sometimes and it hurts him after cases like the one he just did. Usually he creeps off to be alone—well—he used to. More recently he'd talk to you—" Another faint smile appeared. "You were very good for him, you know. You managed to convince that stubborn idiot that not everything that went wrong was because of an error he made."

"So why is he avoiding me now?" Hisoka demanded. He didn't quite believe that anyone would confide in him, that someone would find his words or his presence comforting. In a way, it was something that he and Tsuzuki had in common. No one wanted either of them. 

"It's because you don't know him." Watari said simply. "He's afraid to confide his problems to you, doesn't want to burden you with anything. He knows that he's treading on thin ice around you, and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. It took almost three years for Tsuzuki to open up like that." His eyes were shadowed slightly. "Certain…events…helped that along."

"Events?" Now _this_ sounded promising, something that offered information about what he was missing on his past. _But Watari's emotions are really strange on this. He's apprehensive, sad—angry…I want to know but…_

"Ah…I'm sure that it's something that Tsuzuki can tell you much better. After all, only the two of you knows exactly what went on at that time…_I_ certainly wasn't privy to the conversation, just what happened beforehand." Before Hisoka could ask what that was, Watari held up a hand. "And it's not something that needs to be discussed right now. It wouldn't be anything that you'd be ready to accept, Hisoka." He smiled gently at him. "Trust me in this—wait until you're able to open up more, especially with Tsuzuki. That way when he tells you, you'll be able to understand."

Hisoka frowned, irritated at the way his question was being brushed off, and about to demand for Watari to give him more than just bits of information. "Can you tell me other things?" He asked grudgingly. "If I can't remember anything, maybe if you pass along some information, it will trigger something."

Watari looked thoughtful at that, tilting his head to the side. "Ask Tsuzuki." He said finally. "He knows you best, Hisoka. And whether or not you remember it, you know him best. Just act on your instincts, that's all I can say for right now." He grinned and ruffled Hisoka's hair. "And if the stubborn idiot doesn't cough up some information, I have the perfect potion…" His eyes gleamed as he turned them on Hisoka. "Or you could try it, Bon." Hisoka suddenly remembered Tsuzuki's warning not to take anything that was offered to him.

"Um…I'll talk to Tsuzuki." He said hurriedly, getting out of the chair, backing away to the door. "Thanks for what you told me, Watari. I think I should go see Tatsumi now in case he has something for me." He edged out of the office, ignoring Watari's protests that it was perfectly harmless, and nothing _really_ bad would come of it. Well, nothing that wouldn't heal in time if things happened to go wrong.

Hisoka shut the lab door carefully behind him, shaking his head in frustration. He got some answers for what he asked, but it raised a whole new pile of questions in return, one that he would have to ask his elusive partner for. And that was the one person he wasn't sure how to act around, because he couldn't read him. The one that he felt like he should trust, but he didn't have the memories to back up that trust. _I think this is going to be more difficult than I thought._

He almost wished for a case so he could see Tsuzuki and know just where he was and what he thought—but then again, the Tsuzuki that worked on cases didn't seem to be the same Tsuzuki that he met in the park. That Tsuzuki was even different from the Tsuzuki in the office, and he wondered just what the real one _was_ like, or if the true personality was hidden under so many layers that not even Tsuzuki knew what was inherently he.

_Wait…wouldn't Tsuzuki have a place to live when he wasn't at the office or working in Chijou?_ After all, Hisoka had his own place, it stood to reason that the older employee would have just such a place as well. He smiled to himself, and saw his chance to corner Tsuzuki and get the answers he needed.


	7. Chapter Six

Optimal Balance

Chapter 6/?

PG-13

Lazuli

Hisoka/Tsuzuki (not yet)

            The only problem in going to Tsuzuki's home was finding out where it was. He certainly didn't remember where the man lived, and he had been too concerned about getting away from Watari to ask him any questions. He finally decided on Tatsumi. After all, the intimidating secretary kept tabs on _everyone_, and there seemed to be some type of close friendship between those two. Even if nothing was really said out loud, the emotions were thick enough to read.

            He met up with him in the break room, as the other man was getting a mug of coffee. He was suddenly unsure of the whole thing. Watari didn't seem to intent on giving him a great deal of information, who was to say that Tatsumi would provide him with anymore, especially with something so private as to where Tsuzuki lived? Tatsumi surprised him, though.

            "You do not remember where Tsuzuki-san lives?" Tatsumi regarded Hisoka carefully, pushing up the lenses of his glasses with one finger, holding a mug of coffee with the other hand. "I shouldn't be surprised—but if you're that eager to talk to Tsuzuki-san, Kurosaki-san—" His voice trailed off for a moment as he set the cup down and retrieved a scrap of paper and a pen, writing down something quickly, handing it to Hisoka. "Here is his address, I trust that you will be able to find it."

            Hisoka nodded slowly, frowning a little as he read the careful instructions. It gave a general direction to start out in—strange, it was opposite from his own house, and far enough away from the main building. He gave his thanks, hesitating only for a moment. Tatsumi simply nodded, giving him a faint smile. "You're good for our Tsuzuki-san." He said calmly. "I hope that you continue to be so."

~

            Hisoka paused in front of the set of apartments, slightly unsure if he should go on or not. Maybe it was too soon to be confronting Tsuzuki on home territory. He _had_ rather shooed the man away the other day, making it clear that he didn't want to talk. But now—he wanted to talk. Everyone kept saying that Tsuzuki knew him best, and he was getting increasingly annoyed at the now obvious gaps in his memories. 

            Part of him still didn't want to know—it would be so much easier to just ignore that he 'lived' here for the past three years. It would be so much easier to pretend that he was here fresh, that the person he was before never existed. To start out on a clean slate, as it were. It was a pity that everyone else knew him, though. That they expected him to know certain things, for him to have a certain working knowledge of how it was up here, of who people were. And to keep on coming up blank made him feel inferior. He hated that feeling.

            The choice was taken out of his hands, when an older lady stepped out of the main entrance of the apartment buildings, her eyes lighting up when she saw Hisoka. "Hisoka-san! I haven't seen you for quite some time—come in, come in—Tsuzuki is out in the garden as usual." Her smile broadened, not catching the slightly bewildered look on Hisoka's face. "He's just doing some weeding and a little bit of planting. You know how he is outdoors."

            Hisoka managed a small nod, slightly taken away by the flow of conversation, at how quickly control was taken out of his hands as the woman led him through a rather nice building until she came to a back door, small and almost hidden in the wall. "I'll just leave you and Tsuzuki alone. I'm sure that he'll be just delighted to see you visiting him again---I'll even bring out some tea for the both of you."

            With that said, she left him alone, and he pushed open the door carefully. He didn't figure Tsuzuki really for the type that took care of plants—from the way he displayed himself at the office, he didn't seem to be the type of person that would concentrate too much on something. Actually working on a case—that was different. He was a completely different person, but now—

            Hisoka mentally shrugged it off. Everyone had different sides they displayed to the world. He wasn't any different, and he took this time to observe Tsuzuki, wondering if he dared to probe the man's emotions. He wouldn't likely to get the chance to examine them again, his shielding was too good otherwise. Tsuzuki was the only person he couldn't read, and it frustrated him that the truth about the man was so elusive. _He's my partner, and I've worked with him for the past three years. We're supposed to trust each other, but I don't _know _anything! I can't trust him _now_ if I can't read him and know what's true and what's false._

Tsuzuki was digging in a somewhat weedy part of the garden, almost completely turned away from Hisoka, but the expression in his eyes was far away, his hands working on what was in front of him, but it seemed that his mind was somewhere else. Hisoka carefully probed the emotions, and still got mostly a surface skimming of what had to be hiding inside. There was a deep sadness, some almost wistful that lay along the top of his thoughts. Something that dealt with the past—he read that easily enough. He caught a more powerful emotion, and it almost hurt at the painful intensity of it. _Sister…he's thinking about his sister?_

Until then, he didn't think of Tsuzuki ever having a family like he had. Well, not exactly like _Hisoka_ had, but Tsuzuki was simply Tsuzuki and it didn't seem normal to connect the dots as him having been actually alive once. Everyone said he worked as a shinigami for over seventy years. But the more he thought about it, the more sense it made. Tsuzuki would have had some type of family growing up when he was alive. 

Hisoka didn't expect such a powerful emotion attached to the thought. But it seemed that touching on that emotion conjured another, and Hisoka was suddenly caught in a deeper level on Tsuzuki's emotions, the strength of it nearly sucking him in. There was guilt, and sadness—loathing—more guilt. Black, thick—it swallowed everything in a haze of self-loathing. And what was truly startling was that none of this pain was visible on the outside. There was still that same soft smile, the far away look in his eyes. The only clue there was to anything inside was Tsuzuki's hand tightening on the handle of the spade he held. 

Hisoka gasped and nearly swayed, and if that one small sound alerted his presence to Tsuzuki, the man's head snapped around and the emotions cut off abruptly, but not before Hisoka felt another wave of guilt for what Tsuzuki had inadvertently did to him. 

"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki jumped up and supported him, eyes darkened with worry at Hisoka's appearance. "I'm so glad that you came to visit—I was sure that you wanted to be left alone for a while or else I would have invited you over a while ago—" He started babbling, all the while leading Hisoka over to a chair so that he could recover easier. He was acting as if nothing was wrong with him. That it was the depth of his emotions was what caused Hisoka to pale in the way he did.

            Hisoka waved off his concern irritably. He felt a little shaken, but more annoyed that he hadn't been able to read this before, that _something_ in the man's demeanor should have given him away. _But why do I care?_ He thought, brow furrowed. _I don't really know him and I _hate _getting close to people. His emotions and how he feels should be nothing of my concern. _But for some reason it irked him that Tsuzuki felt this way inside and didn't show it outwardly, that whatever bothered him built up. Watari's words about how Tsuzuki would talk to him, Hisoka about his problems….

            "I'm fine, Tsuzuki." He almost snapped. "I'm not a child." His entire stance was almost haughty at the same time. "I was just momentarily overwhelmed by something." He saw the fear flash across Tsuzuki's eyes and the brief flare of emotion before everything was tamped down again more tightly than ever. "I came over because I wanted to talk." 

            The silence was uncomfortable for a moment, then Tsuzuki tilted his head inquisitively. "What did you want to talk about, Hisoka?" The small on his face grew slightly teasing, a new layer of personality overshadowing what seemed to be the real one earlier, and Hisoka took a moment to be amazed at how well he could act. "We have a lot to catch up on."

            Hisoka rolled his eyes. "Yes, that's part of what I wanted to talk to you about. Everyone says that you know me the best—so I would like for you to tell me what it was…like." His voice trailed off uncomfortably. He wasn't sure how phrase it, he wasn't good with anything that really dealt with his own emotions or what he wanted. He simply never cared before and it bothered him that he did now.

            Tsuzuki blinked, and then seemed to put together some of the pieces for himself. "You want to know what it was like for us to be partners?" He questioned carefully, his voice tentative as if he expected Hisoka to yell at him the next moment. At Hisoka's nod, his expression grew more relaxed, slightly less guarded. Hisoka made a mental note to later ask Tsuzuki what he originally thought Hisoka was going to ask.

            Hisoka was about to start questioning him, when the lady came out again, smiling both at Hisoka and Tsuzuki and setting down a tray of tea and pastries on the table next to them. "There—now I know you both like these deserts—" She gave Hisoka a warm smile. "Even Tsuzuki has you liking these." She dusted off her hands and winked at Tsuzuki. "I'll leave you alone with your friend, now."

            Hisoka was completely baffled at the look that had been exchanged, and the slight blush on Tsuzuki's face. He stared off at the lady long after she vanished, turning his puzzled look on Tsuzuki. At least he knew the first question he was going to ask. 

            "Did…did I really come over here a lot?" He asked, brows drawing together. It would mean that he actively sought out another company. Even if they were partners, it didn't necessarily follow that they would meet after working hours. 

            Tsuzuki's smile broadened at that, and he nodded, already going for one of the pastries. "Sure did, Hisoka. After—after awhile, it almost seemed routine for us to visit each other's houses." There was no hint of sadness, anything of the emotions that had flavored Watari's words when he spoke of something like that. It was just simple enjoyment, contentment—

            "And…you enjoyed having me over?" _That_ came out more questioning than he intended. Someone wanted his company…He swallowed and turned questioning eyes up at Tsuzuki. At the older man's confirming nod, he relaxed vaguely. "We were friends?"

            Tsuzuki looked so astonished that he wished he could take back his words. Putting down his food, Tsuzuki sighed softly. "Is it so hard to imagine that you would be friends with someone like me?" He asked gently. "I know I'm a lot different from you, Hisoka—but—even if it's a little—we have some things in common." He paused and his words faltered slightly. "And adversity can even bring together the most opposite of personalities."

            Hisoka sat up straight, frowning at the tone that crept into Tsuzuki's voice. "Now just wait a minute here! I didn't say that so you could doubt yourself, Tsuzuki. I was never sought out by anybody as a friend—not even in school." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I doubt exactly have a warm personality." He waited for Tsuzuki to contradict him, for him to give platitudes that _of course_ Hisoka was a warm person, that he had plenty of friends, he was such a good person…He winced in anticipation.

            "Well, that's true enough." Tsuzuki said slowly. "You didn't have many friends, but that's just because you're like me—you've been hurt too often to really trust anyone to be a friend. You've been isolated most of your life, so how would you know to make friends?" 

            Hisoka gaped at him in astonishment. From what he could feel of things, it was the absolute truth—Tsuzuki certainly didn't feel like holding anything back in that respect. He was still talking though, explaining more of what he said.

            "But slowly, Hisoka—you learned to open a little more. Nothing overdone or against your personality…you just did it in little ways.  You're not as tough as you seem on the outside—that's your protection. I know you don't want to get hurt, that you don't trust. But you learned to trust me—" His eyes softened at the thought. "Which meant a great deal to me. If something was bothering, more often than not you'd lock it away—but sometimes—" His voice trailed off.

            "You're one to talk about keeping things locked up inside." Hisoka scoffed, face tinting with a blush that Tsuzuki was able to read him so well, know his reasons. It didn't frighten him, but it felt oddly right. "You keep more locked inside than anyone else."

            Tsuzuki looked uncomfortable, fiddling with his cup. "Yes…well, I do that so no one gets bothered by my problems. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, Hisoka. I'm…you know what I mean." His smile was wistful. "Although sometimes…sometimes you'd listen to my complaining without much more than a muttered 'idiot' directed my way."

            "Watari said that," Hisoka said into the sudden silence that sprang up. "That I'd listen to you—that I was the only one you'd open up to…" He didn't really believe it, but some part of him wanted to hear that it was true. That he…impossible as it seemed…was good for someone else.

            "You and my shikigami." Tsuzuki's eyes brightened. "Although with you it was better it a lot of ways. You understood why I did certain things, Hisoka. Although you did get annoyed at me a great deal." He grinned and ruffled Hisoka's hair. "That's why I got so many idiot comments from you."

            "What sort of things?" Hisoka pounced on that immediately. "Was it something that happened during one of our cases?" Somehow this seemed right, that it was the correct course to follow to get answers.

            Tsuzuki looked startled and he stared down at his cup for several moments. "Well, yes—things that happened on our cases served to bring us closer together. We found out a lot about each other."

            It _seemed_ normal enough, Hisoka supposed. You work with someone long enough, and personal and professional lives cross. Maybe even more so here because of the nature of their work, of how they had to work together. The level of trust that was involved—

            Hisoka stared down at the tea in his hands, silent again, not knowing what to say to that. He swallowed harshly for a moment, meeting Tsuzuki's eyes for a moment before drawing up the courage. _After all, it's not like it's a terribly significant question, or prying into his personal life. _"What type of cases did we have?" He asked carefully, still staring down at the contents of his cup as if it provided the answers and not Tsuzuki. "Like our first case…"

            Tsuzuki immediately brightened, and there was a noticeable release of tension. "When we first met, you mean?" He shook his head sadly, but his eyes showed his amusement. "You disliked me from the start."

            Hisoka found himself blushing, head jerking up to stare at Tsuzuki in astonishment. "I… you said that I didn't like anybody!" He protested. Crossing his arms over his chest, he forced himself to look away from the puppy-dog look Tsuzuki was currently treating him with.

            Tsuzuki laughed. "Yeah, you didn't like a lot of people—but you didn't like that you got such an idiot for a partner." Irritation flashed across his face for a moment. "It didn't help that GuShoShin expounded on my many faults…and you had newly come over." He looked over at the garden briefly, gaze far away for a moment. "You were so cold, Hisoka—and so very determined to find out _why_ you died, to find the person that killed you." Now his gaze turned slightly inward, unsure. "We thought you …vanished because that was all taken care of."

               For some reason, hearing that reason come from Tsuzuki didn't seem as ludicrous as it had coming from Watari. He wanted to believe Tsuzuki, which was a frightening thought in itself. To _trust_ someone, was not something he was used to. "Then…then I really _was_ killed?" He asked. "I found out who did it?"

            Hesitating only for a moment, Tsuzuki nodded. "We…we did, Hisoka." He stared down at his lap for several moments, obviously deciding whether or not he should continue. There was a tension in the air until he spoke again. "He…he actually showed up during our first case."

            There was an uncomfortable stillness that hung in the air after those words, and it was silent for so long that he wondered if Tsuzuki was going to go on and explain as to who it was or what had happened. _I have the right to know—it concerns me…_

            "That was when you started to trust me…a little, I think." Tsuzuki said softly, voice nearly inaudible. "You…you were so badly hurt, Hisoka." Even now, with all those years behind the event, the evidence of pain was still in Tsuzuki's voice. "You were surprised when…when I came…" He looked up at Hisoka, meeting his eyes. "After that, you shocked me by deciding to stay with me." A small smile formed on his face. "We surprised each other after that case."

            Hisoka blinked. "I was your partner, wasn't I?" He asked, brows drawing in his confusion. "_Am_ your partner, I mean." He hastily amended. "Why would I say that I wasn't going to stay your partner?" He tilted his head to the side. "Do we actually have a choice in the matter?" Something nagged at the back of his mind, something about Tsuzuki never keeping partners….

            Tsuzuki gave a short laugh. "You have a choice, Hisoka. My partners never chose to stay with me for more than a couple of months. I suppose that…I drove them away with the way I acted." He ran a hand through his hair. "That's when I decided to keep my emotions to myself—it was better that way, I thought." He stood up, pacing slightly as he looked at the garden. "I was too much of a slacker, didn't work hard enough—felt too much…" He shrugged it off. "But you—even with all your insults and exasperation with me—you never left."

            Hisoka was silent for a few moments after that statement, searching for some type of rationalization for his actions. "You must have done _something_ to prove to me your worth, Tsuzuki." He said finally. "I don't…I don't give trust easily, but you must have won it somehow." He didn't smile, but his expression relaxed a trifle. 

            "Well, like I said—we've been through a lot together." Tsuzuki gave him a cheerful wink. "Maybe you were used to me and didn't want to bother with trying to deal with someone new." 

            Hisoka snorted. "If I thought you were a complete moron, I would have dumped you and found someone else, no matter how long it would have taken to get used to someone else." There was too much into Tsuzuki's teasing comment, a hurt that lay below the surface that he could barely feel, but it _was_ there. "Plus, we were friends, weren't we?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "From what I know, friends don't leave each other."

            Tsuzuki turned to look at him fully, smile broadening into something more real. "That we were, Hisoka. I hope that you'll become my friend again." He tilted his head to the side. "Now—I'm sure that you want to know more, hmm?"

            Hisoka nodded, eyes catching Tsuzuki's. So far the older man didn't seem to really be holding back with his information. If he just asked the right questions, avoiding those that held such a high emotional residue that it would pain Tsuzuki to talk about them—_Those can come later…_

            "Then why don't we go inside?" He ruffled Hisoka's hair, grinning more widely when Hisoka jerked away and scowled at him. "I assure you it's perfectly safe." His eyes were still teasing, and Hisoka found himself blushing at that look.

            He nodded stiffly, standing up and holding his cup loosely in one hand. "As long as…as you explain to me, Tsuzuki. I want to know…" His expression turned almost pleading. "About me… about our partnership…" His voice trailed off, and then had a sudden idea. "And about how we're alike!" He said triumphantly. "We have to have something in common."

            Smiling, Tsuzuki nodded and gestured for Hisoka to follow him into the complex, grabbing the tray as he went in. With a quick word to the landlady, Tsuzuki pointed Hisoka up to the second floor, where his small apartment was. At first glance, the apartment seemed smaller than Hisoka's house was—and it was—but there were so many plants around that it didn't occur to him that the place could be smaller. It was obviously well cared for, if a little messy. 

            On the walls hung several old pictures, blank and white—fading. There was a wall scroll and hanging plants that reminded Hisoka vaguely of the one at his house. It suddenly hit him that Tsuzuki was probably the one that donated the plant _and_ took care of it while Hisoka was…gone. There was a bookshelf in the corner, where there were several old looking books and some scattered files. There was a photo of the office group that Hisoka met sitting on top of the bookshelf. He was slightly startled to see himself in the picture, scowling slightly. 

            Tsuzuki caught his gaze and grinned. "You hated getting that picture taken." He picked it up. "This was soon after you came to us—we usually have a group picture every decade or so, usually around the time we get a new shinigami in our division." He pointed towards a photo album that Hisoka didn't notice before, sitting by itself on the bottom of the bookshelf. "The rest of my pictures are in there."

            Hisoka was vaguely interested in looking through there, but since Tsuzuki didn't offer, he didn't ask. It may very well be private photos, from a time before Hisoka even existed, memories that were none of his business to pry in. 

            Tsuzuki placed the photo back down and sat down rather heavily on the couch, and Hisoka winced at the groan that issued from the faded piece of furniture. "So you wanted to know how we're alike, Hisoka?" He grinned and raised an eyebrow at Hisoka. "I knew you couldn't resist asking about me eventually."

            The blush was creeping over his face again, and Hisoka scowled to hide his embarrassment. "Idiot! I was just curious, nothing else. We can't be as opposite as you claim. There has to be some common ground or else I never would have stuck with you."

            Tsuzuki blinked and laughed. "Well, yes—but our common ground is hardly pleasant." He shook his head. "For one—although it's hardly an important factor—we both died in the hospital over a prolonged period of time." His gaze was heavily shadowed there. "Might have even been the same place." He forced a cheerful note in his voice, although Hisoka felt the strain he was under from saying just that.

            He decided it was prudent to change it to another topic. "What…what else?" He asked. "I…I don't want to be reminded of that." He saw the relief wash over Tsuzuki's face, and he knew he made the right decision. 

             "Well—" Tsuzuki frowned a little. "We were never accepted for who we were." He murmured. "Both…hurt over it." He shrugged that off rather quickly. "And we hide our true feelings behind masks." He clasped his hands together. "You're the only person besides Tatsumi or Konoe—that knows a little of what I'm really like." Hisoka caught the tone of self-loathing, even without the emotion to back it up. 

            "You're right that they're not very cheerful." Hisoka made a face. "But I gather that neither of us had a really happy childhood." He looked startled after a moment of thought. "But did any shinigami ever have a really happy life? Aren't there reasons for us becoming what we are?" He looked at Tsuzuki, who was suddenly looking a little uncomfortable. "You told me what mine was—why did you become one?"

            Tsuzuki met his gaze, but his expression and emotions were unreadable. "To be accepted for something I never was in life. To be human."


	8. Chapter Seven

Optimal Balance

Chapter 7/?

By: Lazuli

Ah, the authors notes. First off, sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. I've been using my roommates computer for typing, and she's rather busy with doing her reports for school and such. So that means I don't have a large amount of time to type it up. I want to thank all that has reviewed so far on this story, it means a lot to me. ^_^ Thanks also goes to chibi_yuriko for her hard work in editing this chapter. Great job and it makes me realize my grammar is rather…ah…lacking. But kudos to her because I think it flows a great deal better thanks to her input. As usual, Yami No Matsuei does not belong to me, nor will it ever. ^_^ Enjoy!

            Hisoka stared at him for a few moments, not quite believing what he'd said; sure that he must have misunderstood something. But there was _something_ there, something that flickered at the edges of his empathy, barely visible enough for him to detect, but there—it was important, relating back to that intense feeling of self-loathing that he had noticed earlier.

            He tried to play it off as if it wasn't a big deal, even if part of him _knew_ how important it was, even if he didn't remember _why_ it was so important. "But Tsuzuki…" he said slowly, brows drawing in. "You are human." His voice was plain, matter-of-fact, but Tsuzuki stared at him, incredulous. "I can feel that, Tsuzuki, and …and from what I've seen of you…you _seem_ human. Why do you think you're not?"

            Tsuzuki gave a soft laugh, shaking his head. "Without even meaning to, you reassure me with words you've used before." Tilting his head to the side, he observed Hisoka's bewildered expression and explained. "About a year ago, things were…different." His words were carefully guarded. "Someone pointed out various, indisputable facts about me, and it brought back some very unpleasant memories. I…I was hurting, but you—"Then his expression turned calm, peaceful. "You were there, reassuring me that I wasn't what I feared I was."

            "You thought you weren't human?" Hisoka's voice rose without meaning to. "Tsuzuki—I don't know what happened to you when you were alive, but …that's different now. What happened to you when you were alive is over, isn't it?" His expression was fierce, as if some part of him that held the memories spoke. "It's over for me—with what my family did, with how…how I died. And your past is behind you now, too." The look on his face faltered slightly, as he didn't remember what happened.

            Tsuzuki blinked and came back to himself, eyes clearing from that expression and a brighter expression appeared on his face. Hisoka didn't buy it for a moment, but he was too busy getting over his embarrassment of being so _touchy. _He was actually reaching out to someone when he had never done anything of the sort before. "You're right, Hisoka." Tsuzuki practically chirped. "It's all in the past."

            There was no real empathetic weight behind the words, but Hisoka already learned that this was Tsuzuki's way. He hid his real emotions, anything that might potentially hurt or annoy anyone else. He wasn't the type of person to share his burdens with anyone. He was more likely to shoulder his, and then everyone else's on top of it. 

            Hisoka let it go, not wanting to push things. He never liked when people pried into what he wanted kept secret. He hated feeling other people's emotions—he should be grateful that Tsuzuki went through such an effort to hide his from him. _But how can I change the subject?_

            Tsuzuki took the choice away from him, practically jumping to his feet. "Hisoka, are you hungry?" He asked, eyes brightening. "I am…a little." He said wistfully, almost as if he shouldn't say that he _wanted_ anything. His entire posture was a display of uncertainty that Hisoka was sure couldn't have been there before. He cursed his inability to remember, so that this man wouldn't be hurting more inside than what was already deeply rooted in him. And this was Tsuzuki and _food._ He had already seen that much—how Tsuzuki was a glutton for all sorts of food—but mainly sweets. 

            "Tsuzuki—" Hisoka sighed, wanting to erase the kicked puppy expression and keep it away. "I'm not going to yell at you because you're hungry, so stop cringing!" He realized a moment later he raised his voice and winced. _Just after I said I wasn't going to yell at him._ "You were working in the garden, weren't you? You're probably hungry and need something to eat." He crossed his arms over his chest. "So go eat something, I'm certainly not going to stop you."

            Tsuzuki looked at him in amazement. "You're…you're not?" he asked incredulously. "You're not going to say it's a waste of time and I should be working on reports instead of stuffing my face?" He started to grin a little and he reached out to ruffle Hisoka's hair. "I like that. Keep that up even when you _do_ remember."

            Hisoka gaped at him. He actually berated the man for…of course. He probably ate at every inopportune moment, when he should have been working. "Tsuzuki…are you supposed to be working now?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I don't recall Tatsumi-san giving either of us a break." 

            Tsuzuki looked away, a sheepish expression on his face. "Well, there were some reports from some general work around the office…" He said slowly. "But it's not that important and it wasn't going to take me very long!" He finished explaining in a rush. "Working in the garden was _so_ relaxing and it was such a beautiful day, Hisoka…." His voice trailed off wistfully. "Its winter in Chijou, though—isn't that strange?" He murmured half to himself. "Even after all this time—"

            Hisoka blinked. "It's…winter?" He mentally counted the time he was up here, and tallied it with the time he had been 'in school' when Tsuzuki had come to get him. "But…" He said in surprise. 

            Tsuzuki laughed. "The world is almost opposite in Chijou, Hisoka. If it's summer here, it's winter there. If it's raining here—which it barely does, by the way—it will be sunny there." He paused when Hisoka gave him an incredulous look, one eyebrow rising at the rationality of that statement. "But these things don't always follow the rules." He gave a soft smile. "We don't have that many visible seasons here, but people have different perceptions of heaven."

            Hisoka was startled at that, but shrugged. "Everyone's notion of the afterlife is different," he said blankly. "I can't ever remember really having any thoughts on the matter, except that…" His brow furrowed as an unexpected emotion rose to the surface, some slip of a memory. _Want…want to die, need to die, hurts…_He gasped, caught off guard, and it took him a few moments to recover, Tsuzuki's concern hovering at the edges of his senses. "Well, I certainly never expected that there were _jobs_ handed out to people after they died." He finished briskly. "Did you ever expect to do this when you died?"

            Tsuzuki laughed and shook his head, hair falling into his eyes again. "No…not at all." He looked speculative for a moment. "It was a lot different back then, too." He said thoughtfully. "We adapt as time going by—developing into what modern detectives do, with a few exceptions." He grinned slightly. "Our equipment seems _terribly_ old at times, but nothing too behind." He pointed to his mobile phone lying nearby. "We all have those—" His eyes lit up. "You should have seen our faces when those things first appeared."

            Hisoka felt a spark of real interest here—something that Tsuzuki didn't mind talking about and he seized on it. This was a chance to get to know his partner better—to get him talking and displaying real emotions. _And it will be interesting to see what this place was like oh... fifty or more years ago,_ he told himself. "Tell me about what it was like?" He asked tentatively. "What things were like when you first came here—and how you all reacted to new things?" _Items that are so commonplace now—but had to be startling to someone that grew up in the time that Tsuzuki did._

Looking puzzled for a moment, Tsuzuki seemed to think that over. "It would be just like anything you saw…" His voice trailed off as his eyes lit with some inner understanding. "It's weird to think of it sometimes, but think of the old temples in Kyoto, or the things you learned in history class. That's just the way life was. We lived in our ways, but western culture had taken a rapid hold in the busier sections of Japan, and Meifu reflected that change. When I came up here—I was stunned." He looked a little sheepish. "I was just some dirt poor village child all my life—" 

He rubbed the back of his head and tried to explain further. "Well—you know that the Meiji era really started the trading with the Western countries, right?" He asked tentatively. "Before that—we didn't have what is common place now. Chocolate—coffee—various types of clothing." He looked considerate for a moment. "Well—that was a _little_ more common by the time I was born. _I _personally didn't have any of it until after. It was for people that had more money than we did in our village."

            Hisoka nodded, trying to hide his impatience. He _did_ study history, he knew about how new Western items and ideas starting to slowly take root in Japanese culture, that the trading port was at Yokohama, someplace that would have been almost impossibly far away for someone of low means—as Tsuzuki said he was. 

            Encouraged, Tsuzuki continued. "Well, we were used to copying things by hand—" He smiled faintly. "When we saw typewriters—you should have _seen_ our secretary at the time. He was ecstatic, and the rest of us were pretty happy, too. That was less work for us when we had to do reports." He grimaced. "It was still a lot of typing—a great deal of mistakes, because none of us had really used the machines before." He grinned. "When we got a new shinigami who was used to the technology on Chijou, and grew up using it, we used to pummel him or her for information." 

            Hisoka found himself amused by the image—a bunch of dead people slowly having to adjust to something new like that—it was like seeing senior citizens frowning over how fast cars were going or how different or strange things like computers or digital clocks were. Things that were _normal_ offset them; they had to adjust a lifetime of thinking one way. 

            Tsuzuki looked off for a moment. "Then more people came that were used to the technology, people that had been around for a long time finally 'retired', rested and went on to the next stage of their afterlife. When Tatsumi appeared, it was clear that he was used to being in charge, having people under his command and listening to him." He paused. "Although he still refuses to tell any of us when he was born—and swore to cook the Gushoushin  for dinner if they reveal his age."

            Hisoka swallowed a bit at the threat—it didn't sound entirely idle and he reminded himself not to ask the secretary that piece of information anytime soon, no matter how much his curiosity would bug him. "So I take it the office changed a bit after that?" He asked dryly. 

            Tsuzuki nodded and grinned. "We had been a little…laid back for awhile—we still did our work in an efficient matter, don't get me wrong—" He gestured hastily at Hisoka's skeptical look. "But when Tatsumi appeared, things were done…differently." His eyes were shadowed slightly. "We were partners when he first showed up—he was my third partner and he…" He shrugged slightly. "Well, he had his own problems and I made them a bit worse, so he helped me shape up in his own way, so what I felt wouldn't be a hindrance to the office."

            "You were telling me how things were different—the technology and way of life." Hisoka said quickly, to get that dark look out of Tsuzuki's eyes, to distract him from whatever pain caused that shadow to cross his face. "Tell me more about that—about what it was like to meet so many different people."

            Tsuzuki smiled at that, eyes lightning (lighting or lightening) up again. "It was _amazing_ at times." He said eagerly. "To see things changing, to see these people that had such a different view on life—" He babbled on, but there was still that undercurrent of sadness there, easy for Hisoka to pick up and decipher. For all the time that Tsuzuki spent as a shinigami, he hated killing people, he hated that other people felt the need to become shinigami, to end others lives. That was part of the reason why he was going to let Hisoka alone; to let him stay in the life he thought was real.

            _But what would have happened when I never aged? _He asked himself. _When people moved on around me, but I was still in my sixteen-year-old body. Would I have wondered about it? Or would my mind have made up excuses the same way it did when I arrived in Nagasaki? _It was a disturbing line of thought, and he realized now that he _was_ grateful that Tsuzuki came to him, that he cared enough about him that he would consider Hisoka's feelings—but most of all, that he was _wanted_ here. That Tsuzuki and the rest of the office wanted him with them.

            He was vaguely aware that Tsuzuki was still talking, and his attention shifted back to him when he heard Watari's name mentioned. 

"Watari had been an engineer when he was alive, and came to Meifu in '77. Things came to be a lot livelier after he appeared, turning the entire office upside down." Tsuzuki grinned. "His exuberance for experimenting—something he had never been allowed free rein of when he was alive. The promise that these bodies wouldn't die if a little explosion happened to occur was also positive." Tsuzuki shook his head at Hisoka's wide-eyed look. 

            "Within a year, we were completely and utterly in awe of him." Tsuzuki grinned. "And knew better then to sample anything that he cooked up in his lab." He grimaced. "Although that place was interesting enough to visit when he realized what he could do with pen and paper."

               Hisoka was almost afraid to ask, but did anyway. "What can he do?" He asked suspiciously. Those smoking potions were bad enough—the warnings that he shouldn't eat or drink anything that had been in range of Watari. But the fact that even something so banal as pen and paper could be dangerous in is hands? 

            "He can bring objects to life…not just the stuff he draws, but he can give sentience to anything he chooses." Tsuzuki said with a grin. "He can access…worlds in a way." He looked a little confused. "I'm not sure what he did when he drew that picture of me to get me out of the Earl's book—" His voice trailed off for a moment, then he shook his head free of the thought. "But he can't draw." He said with a grin. "So you got the ugliest little creations running around _everywhere_ in the office one day, nearly driving Tatsumi and the rest of us into early retirement."

            Hisoka almost laughed at the image, but that brought up another interesting question. "Do we all have our strengths, then?" He asked, interested, "Talents that we gain or develop after we arrive here?" 

            Tsuzuki nodded, eyes still vibrant. "Even ones that don't seem like they have any." He grinned. "Tatsumi is a shadow master—he can manipulate shadows, use them as weapons, or in any manner that he chooses." 

            Hisoka shuddered at the image that his mind was all too eager to conjure up. "I don't _ever_ want to get on his bad side." He said feverently. "He could attack you in your bed and you wouldn't notice…!" He shook that image away. "What about other people? Like…um, Kannuki-san?" He didn't really think of her having special powers—

            But apparently he was wrong, because Tsuzuki was already nodding. "Wakaba-chan is a miko." He looked amused at the somewhat stunned look on Hisoka's face. "She can open the gates between Meifu and Gensoukai, and call on the Guardians of the gate."          

Hisoka observed Tsuzuki. "And what about you? I know you can do stuff. You did some type of illusion and the phoenix that you called up. You can do strong magic—I felt it on that last case—" His voice was unsure.

            Tsuzuki nodded. "The previous leader of KyuuShuu taught me fuda magic—everything he knew of it, and I didn't forget a thing. It seemed that I had a talent for it and he just trained me in it as best as they could." He smiled and then looked proud. "And I have my shikigami, of course."

            "Shiki…?" Hisoka questioned. "Was that the phoenix thing I saw when we fought the demon?" He was curious about that, but never got the chance to get an explanation for it. Tsuzuki was always avoiding him and Tatsumi always found some type of excuse to load him down with some type of work that would 'help him remember' what it was like before.

            Tsuzuki nodded eagerly. "That was 'nee-san—Suzaku." He explained. "I have eleven others." He seemed to regard this as something that was rather matter of fact, instead of something that should have been extraordinary. 

            "You have _twelve_ shikigami?" He choked out, eyeing the man with a new respect for the power that it must take to have twelve of the divine creatures under contract with him. And one of them was _Suzaku._ He wasn't a complete simpleton when it came to esoteric studies. He knew legends of the creators of the world, and Tsuzuki commanded twelve creatures on that level? "May I ask…?"

            Tsuzuki looked confused for a second, then nodded. "I have Sohryruu, Genbu, Byakko and Suzaku—" He smiled fondly, like talking of old friends. "Touda, and…" He stopped at the way Hisoka froze at the mention of Touda. 

            "Hisoka…is something wrong?" He asked softly. "I didn't even get to finish naming all of my shikigami yet." He teased lightly. He was trying to play it off—it was painfully obvious, but Hisoka couldn't dislodge the uneasiness that crept up around him at the name _Touda._ Something about it evoked fire and pain and sadness…

              Hisoka looked up when Tsuzuki's hand rested on his shoulder, meeting the older man's eyes. There was an understanding there that went beyond his comprehension, something indefinable…

            "You don't _remember_, but some things can't be erased, can they?" Tsuzuki asked softly. "Some part of you remembers Touda, even if you can't bring the memory to the surface of your mind." He looked away for a moment before returning his gaze to Hisoka's. "Touda is one of my shikigami, but one that I hardly ever call on because of how strong he is—he is capable of killing even a shinigami."

            Hisoka's eyes widened as more emotions came tumbling to the surface, a flicker of an image dancing behind his eyes. _Fire…terrible fire—black flames that surrounded him. _"Tsuzuki…" He whispered, staring at him in shock. "You…"

            He didn't even get the chance to complete the sentence, but Tsuzuki shrugged. "It doesn't matter, hmm? All in the past." He asked softly, eyes almost pleading with Hisoka to _not_ bring it up yet, to let it go—somewhat of a vague promise that _later_ everything would be explained, but not now.  

            Hisoka bridled at hearing his words used against him like that. That Tsuzuki would take his words of comfort and turn it around so that he could get away from whatever horrible image hovered at the edges of Hisoka's memory. He realized with a shock that it _was_ a piece of a memory. "Tsuzuki…" He began warningly. 

            "You're not ready." Tsuzuki's voice stopped him in mid-sentence. There was something about that pleading tone that begged him not to go any further, to just let the matter rest. But he was getting annoyed at 'not being ready'. That he needed to know more before he was allowed to remember what he _did_ recall something of.

            "Give me one good reason _why_, Tsuzuki." He said warningly. "I don't like being pushed away like that. I remember something, and I think it's pretty hypocritical of you to say you want me to remember, yet deny me any confirmation of what's going through my head!" his voice rising, until he was almost yelling. 

            Tsuzuki cringed, eyes lowering. "I don't want you to hate me, Hisoka." He whispered. "If you remember Touda, you're going to hate me—if you remember all of that without remembering how we grew as partners before that." He played with the fraying edge of a cushion, unable to meet Hisoka's eyes. "What happened with Touda…was painful, Hisoka. I don't…I can't…" He whimpered, and Hisoka felt like a heel for the black emotion that rose to the surface again when he had been trying so hard to suppress it. 

            "Tsuzuki…" He sighed, hands resting limply on his thighs. "I won't hate you—I just want to _know_, I'm tired of being lost. I want confirmation for what I do see, for what my emotions are telling me." He forced Tsuzuki's face up to meet his. "I'm trusting _you_ to tell me if it's true or not, if I'm going crazy. If it's something that I remember, and not just something my mind is supplying to placate me."

            Tsuzuki's gaze was startled and hurt all at once, and he ran a hand through his hair. "I…I understand." He said softly. "I wasn't thinking, Hisoka. I'm sorry." His eyes were over bright, but he there were no tears—just an intense emotion that hovered in the air, a tension that desperately needed to be released. "What do you see?"

            Hisoka took his chance while it was there, not wasting the rare opportunity that Tsuzuki offered him. Still, as horrible as the images were, it was even harder to voice them, to try and describe what he felt, and what called up such strong images. "Fire." He said, shuddering. "Horrible black fire—surrounding me—choking…" He shook his head to clear it. "I…I just remember…well, the emotions were of despair…" 

He closed his eyes and tried to pull back those elusive emotions, the memory before it slipped away from him completely. He didn't really _remember_. It was like waking up from a dream and trying to piece together the details. "Sadness…_need_." He murmured. _That_ emotion was the strongest of all; it overpowered almost everything else except the fear of loss. He looked over at Tsuzuki, waiting.

            Tsuzuki took in a shuddering breath, arms wrapping around his sides in a futile gesture of comforting himself. "I know…it was horrible… I'm sorry, Hisoka…" Tears slipped down Tsuzuki's face, and one arm unwrapped from his middle to reach out to Hisoka. "That…that's not something I wanted you to remember first off…" He managed a tremulous smile. "There were happier times…"

            Hisoka shook his head, trying to dislodge the almost painfully sharp emotions now, the images that wanted to overpower his sense of _now,_ giving him something else to watch and view as if it was happening at the moment. "You tried to kill yourself?" That was one of the clear parts in his mind; that at the center of that inferno was Tsuzuki; that _he_ had caused it in some way, but for what reason? 

            Tsuzuki looked even more ashamed than ever, nodding. "It was the ultimate means to an end, Hisoka. I couldn't… I just… it was too much for me. I…" He shook his head again. "I was just so _tired._" Even those it had been obvious time or some other contributing factor helped Tsuzuki through that particular destructive phase in his life, he was fast slipping back. He was becoming trapped by his _own_ memories and emotions of the time. Hisoka knew that he couldn't allow that to happen.

            He leaned forward and gripped Tsuzuki's hands, trying not to wince at the pain that rolled across his senses. He caused this; he brought up this bad memory, and it was something Tsuzuki had obviously wanted to forget until Hisoka had brought it up. There had to be some part of that night that was positive, or else Tsuzuki wouldn't be here now. 

            "Tsuzuki!" He whispered urgently. "Hey, that's over now. Aren't I your partner? Didn't you want to be with me, stay with me?" He had _no_ idea where these words were coming from, but since they seemed to be having a positive effect, he went on. "Didn't you promise you would live for me?" A dark blush spread across his face at his words, and he wondered how he _ever_ could have come to mean that much to someone, where he became their lifeline to the world.

            Tsuzuki's gaze met his, the blankness, the pain receding until sense flooded back. Hisoka let out a relieved sigh, hands tightening on Tsuzuki's for a moment longer before releasing them. "You…you're right." He said in wonder. "You made me promise… you wanted me to live for you…" He gave a small smile. "I didn't think you'd remember that…"

            Hisoka blushed fiercely, looking away. "I don't really remember." He muttered. "But I know you were important to me—you had to be." He said stiffly. "I wasn't just going to let you go." He avoided looking at Tsuzuki. "So don't go trying to think it's okay to do something like that again."

            He felt, rather than saw, Tsuzuki's smile. "Aa, Hisoka. I promise that I won't do that again." A hand ruffled his hair. "With you to keep me in line, how can I act any different?"

            Hisoka felt his blush getting darker, and he rubbed the back of his neck self- consciously. "Remember that." He said tartly. "Now—how about that dinner that you said you so desperately needed?" Even if he didn't remember yet, he would soon enough—he was sure of it. He just had to take it one step at a time. And the next step after this one was to find out how he became worthy of such trust—and put that same amount of trust in someone else. 

            Day by day—he would find out what had gone on for the past three years, even if he had to retrace his memories, and Tsuzuki's, backwards to do it. The only thing really left from that intense memory were the emotions, and the intense need to _be there_ for Tsuzuki. To make sure that he didn't lose him, without really knowing why he needed to do it. There was nothing solid to back up the emotion, but it was too strong to be denied. And it did give him an added incentive to find out all that he could, as quickly as possible. His mind wouldn't be at rest until he did. 

            __

            He wanted to find out _how_ he died, why he died. How he got to be Tsuzuki's partner, actually _remember_ their first case together. To recall the emotions that he must have felt at just becoming a shinigami, to be presented with a partner that everyone proclaimed was a lazy idiot, but almost unbelievably strong and caring. He wanted to remember it all, not just being told what went on. 

            He let Tsuzuki babble on about dinner and the best places to go, if Hisoka had any money because he was just _a little_ behind on paying some other bills and didn't really have the money to spend at the moment…

            Hisoka sighed inwardly, letting Tsuzuki lead him away, mind already working on what he could do to regain his past. It would be a long, hard fight—but he was never one to give up if the odds were even remotely possible. This would be a battle he would win.


End file.
